January 01, 2003 11:59PM
Alone I Break
New Years Eve was spent on the couch with my love Linzie - She's so beautiful! :) I had to work that night, but only until 8 or so, so it wasn't that bad. It was an overall enjoyable evening. Eventually Linzie fell asleep and I played on the computer until around 3am when her Dad called and told me that he was coming to pick her up.
I had to work today as well and I got up later than I had wanted to and I have been having trouble sleeping and blah blah blah, writing is for suckers. Bastards. *EDIT* - I felt like writing some more... - 2:16am
Have you ever felt like you were a giant burden? Or that everyone would be better off if you didn't exist... I hate that feeling. Although it may be true, I'm not gonna go anywhere. You see, I was reading over my october entries (located in the recently updated Archives) and even then I was writing about how I felt really bad for always getting support from Linzie... and I guess my fears came true today when Linzie and I talked about it and she's having a hard time dealing with all my problems. I can completely understand where she's coming from, although it still hurts a whole lot. For awhile it felt like I was abandoned, or given up on... I wanted to disappear from existance in order to give some relief to her... I hid. I didn't know what to do. I went brain dead. Ah.. sucked. We talked and stuff... I dunno really what changed, or what got fixed or broke... but I was happy again and so was she. I sometimes feel like I don't make her happy enough... I know she always says I do... but what if she wasn't telling the truth. I get scared sometimes. I dunno what to do anymore... I don't want to go to people with my problems anymore... For seventeen years I kept it all up inside of me... for the last eight months I've just let it all out and I guess I got carried away. I should really turn back to the old me... It's probably a lot easier for everyone in the end, even myself. I will do anything that makes Linzie happy. I'll do anything she wants, whenever she wants... I just need her to be happy... not in a scary place.
I offically got the apartment today, although when my Mom called for the keys they claimed that the past tennant hasn't returned the keys yet so they haven't been able to get in and clean which is probably a pile of steaming bullshit... which fucking pisses me off. We're paying rent there now, they can't deny us access... fuckers. Oh well.. hopefully I'll be able to get in by the weekend. I already hate them.
Hello public... will you be my friend? I get nervous always now. Always. Right now, I'm nervous. Why? Why? I get nervous before work, after work, talking to Linzie, even during times where there could be no possible reason to be nervous. I hate it! I hate all of it. *sprays self with mental health cleanlyness spray*
I've been playing Diablo II and Grand Theft Auto 3 lately. In Diablo II, I've been playing an amazon, which I've got to level 60. I also found the unique cedar bow, the Kuko. String of Ears, Sigons set, sanders set, Dwarf Star unique ring (absorbe fire) and tons and tons of other stuff.. all in hardcore by the way, so it actually means something. In GTA3 I've been well.. having tons of fun. Doing the missions mostly, but also having fun with stuns.
Right now I'm listening to Korn. Lately I've been listening to Eric Clapton, Phil Collins, Swollen Members, Third Eye Blind and of course more than anything, Alexis on Fire. The End. Leave me alone.
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
- I worked at Pizza Hut
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