Excessive

I'm too tired to write and all I want to do is write.. Does that make sense?

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What do I need to be happy? Yeah, it's that question again.

What do I need to be happy? Stay inside, never talk to anyone? Never interact with others, never open up, never even think about what I'm feeling, never question why I hurt, or why I wish I had contact with others. Stick to a strict unbending routine?

Is that possible? Will I do it? No. I'm not stupid. It's easy to see things that would benefit you but know you are not capable of achieving or maintaining it. It's healthy I think... I mean, I don't think I'm specifically healthy, but the idea that I can't do all the things I think would be best for me because nothing ever works out how you think it will. It'd probably end up finding another reason to go insane.

I want companionship sometimes... sometimes I ache from the inside out, I long for companionship. Not fucking, I don't just wish I could fuck something and move on, no... I want romance. I long for romance. I want a best friend... I want to share passion and share interest and share obsessions, but I also want to feel lust and be lusted after; I want both intense physical attraction from both sides and mental comfort. Does this exist anywhere for anyone? I'd like to think it did at one point for me, for one tiny second in my existence things were this way, and it's that memory, real or created in my mind, that continues to both motivate me, and torture me. I want to be lost in someone... as dangerous as that is, I want to forget my life's worries for awhile and just have happy, bubbly thoughts about a girl.

I am so tired, it's 7:18pm and I'm already bathed and ready for bed... how sad.

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