Excessive

First of all I'd just like to quickly complain about the continued shittyness that is MSN Messenger, and how it keeps getting shittier and shittier as the versions are released. Not only is it now horribly slow, a resource hog, and bogged down with tons of features no one even knows are there, let alone uses, but now it likes to constantly sign me out at random times, for no reason at all. Sometimes it'd be right in the middle of me typing to someone, so all I hear is a nice long string of beeps as it won't let me type because it signed me out, but since the messenger is so slow and resource intensive, the screen isn't updated with the fact it's signed out until after I've written the paragraph and lost it forever. It's such a peice of shit now, and kind of sad that's the best instant messenger around... oh well, perhaps the random signing out thing is a network problem on their side and it'll be fixed... it's only one of many problems, but it's probably the most annoying and noticeable. So.. basically the point of this paragraph was a quick FUCK MSN MESSENGER IN ITS SOFTWARE ASS.

As anyone who's regularly read my writing here at this wonderful website, you'd know that I've been having toothaches that come and go, but are so intense that I actually poop my pants when the pain is at such an intensity that my bowels are just released without warning and I've soiled myself without a chance to squat and splash around in the toilet... uhh.. but anyway, I could take bottles of advil or tylenal and feel no releif, and so instead of wasting my money on that garbage, I got some better garbage. Some oxycodone actually, and it's actually pretty nice. Of course, since I'm so fucking hip, I spent many minutes on the Wikipedia page for Oxycodone and read all about it because, like I said, I'm fucking cool. It's interesting, as is all Wikipedia, so go on over there and read about the shit I get doped up on. (Oxycodone Wikipedia Article)

I'm actually doing okay right now... as in tonight mostly... I feel pretty calm and relaxed, actually making a concious effort to ignore almost everything that's going on in my life in order to enjoy a relaxing night. I know I'm fucked, big time, but how would I ever sleep knowing that? I have to force myself to forget, at least for a bit. I've been going up and down a lot lately, going from extremely happy, energetic, outgoing (manic) to getting self destructive, upset, confused, frustrated (depressed) and back and forth and back and forth, and it's been this way for about two weeks, and get's much more worse, and much more active when I'm around people, especially people that bring out extreme emotions (good or bad). The other night I actually punched a hole into the bathroom door, which was an amazing release of not only my frustration with persons, but a relase of built up energy, self hate, confusion and doubt. Basically from starting right after that, until now, I've felt released and calm. I wasn't alone when it happened, so I'm pretty sure I freaked everyone out, and most likely changed the way people see me, but I mean... it was me.. and I can't change myself.. and yeah.. I'm weird; not a very violent person, but not a weak person either. So as of right now, this night, this mindset, things are okay with me, and I'm just going to enjoy it for the few hours that it'll last for because god fucking dammit I don't get to feel this way enough.

I won't go over the entire weekend, because most of it is a blur caused by various substances consumed, so I'll just jot out the points that stick out. Most of the time was spent with (of course) Vanessa, with Nick when he wasn't at work or a friends, Britanny a bit, and Kuba. When we were at my house, we mostly sat around, listened to music, watched TV or movies, and laughed and joked around, drinking various kinds of alchohol. One of the nights, Vanessa and myself took the bus to Argyle mall to get some groceries from No Frills. I can't exactly put it into words, but there is something about going to Argyle with someone I'm comfortable with, that just soothes my soul to the point of feeling relaxed and happy. I guess it's because I've had so many good memories of going to that mall with girlfriends or good friends, that it just brings up happy thoughts, and there's MY EB Games there too... so it was a very enjoyable time. We just picked up a few things, looked around at EB (basically me looking everywhere for Digital Devil Saga 2, which couldn't be found... typical though.. who would have thought that a cult underground rare japanese rpg would be hard to find?? *sigh* Did you know that critics called it the BEST rpg this generation (ps2)? that's insane... and this is a really long parenthesis session.. I'm gonna stop.. aaaand end paranthesis.. wait.. I don't have to type that I just have to type a ). So yeah, I don't really have details for you guys, I basically just wanted to point out two things: one, I got to go to EB Games and feel at home, and two, I felt comfortable nad happy going to Argyle with Vanessa and it was wonderful.

Last night, we had a few drinks and Kuba then drove us to the 24/7 A&P where Vanessa (who was acting very silly) shopped for some things we couldn't get at Argyle the night earlier. It was an interesting trip... not exactly the most enjoyable time in the world but ya know... oh well. We picked up a few things, more than I thought really, but the fact that the three of them, and more importantly Vanessa, were a bit out of it, helped with the excessive buying. I got two bags of really good dill pickle chips though, so I can't really complain. The rest of the night, Vanessa and I watched the last three episodes of season 3 of Scrubs (my new favorite show) and ate pomegranate. That whole process has turned into one of my most comforting and enjoyable things in my life right now: eating pomegranate and watching Scrubs... I don't really know why, it just kinda happened by accident, but it's like... so comforting and warm, and I love it.

Vanessa went home today, after spending the majority of the day cuddling me, and I miss her so. It sucks that I can't see her whenever I want (which would be all the time) but it leaves me time to day dream about the future, when we won't be in this situation. Nick went over to a friends, so I've been here alone all evening and I've used the time to relax and watch TV, eat some snacks and just generally calm down. I like it when I'm alone and calm... because I day dream and feel giddy about things in my head... nice things... comforting things.

Tomorrow Michelle and I are going to Lotus PC to bitch them the fuck out for selling us a peice of shit external drive. Hopefully they'll replace it for free, or replace it for a very small fee. I don't have any money, so I'm hoping for the first one. I have to meet her at 11am downtown, so I've got to get up early (in my world) and go. I'm really, really, really hoping that it's not the hard drive that has to be replaced because I don't want to lose my music or my movies, and that stuff is more important to me than most things in my life... I would be devestated.

Tuesday I have a very, very important doctors appointment at 11:30am, where I'm going to seriously talk to my doctor, or at least try to, talk to him about my work situation, how I've lost my last four jobs to the fact that I have panic attacks and am not mentally stable enough to hold a job, or support myself. I'm going to try to get information on getting disability, what would be involved, what I'd have to do etc.. Something needs to happen, and I think that that would be in my best interest. Other things I'm going to talk about is my inabilty to sleep (still.. it's been three years of complaining to him), panic attacks... and maybe other stuff. I always get anxiety when I'm in there, and I freeze up, so I'm going to write a little letter explaining everything I want to explain and just hand it to him. It's also a therapy session, but I don't really know what to talk about... everything is jumbled up in my brain that I wouldn't really be able to explain any of it. I have a feeling he's going to say something about my relationships though... Vanessa said she was gonna go with me to the appointment, which means a lot, and is very important to me, since she's a big part of my life and her opinion and view point will very much help the doctor, as well as her backing me up on the fact that I'm not really capable of getting to work okay. I really hope she can go, because I'm not really sure if I can do it alone.

After the doctors appointment Tuesday, I have a date with Steve and The Electrocult as we go to Oshawa so they can rock some fucking asses. So... busy next two days! It's gonna be a blast though...

I'm tired now, and... I think I'm done! Toodles!

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