Excessive

I am a fucking wreck, a god damn fucking mess. I have no idea what's going on with me but it's all gone to hell. I've lost all that was going right in my mind, and I know that no matter what I write here, or what I tell those that care for me, no one would ever understand exactly what I mean.

Whatever happened to a bowl of chips and a game, feeling relaxed and calm inside, okay with what I am, and where I am. Whatever happened to that? Really, I want to know, and why can't have I that now?

Why? Why do I have these panic attacks over and over again all fucking day and night, no matter what mood I'm in, or what I'm doing. I can never breath, I can never ever fucking breath. I can't think; my mind is such a blur, but not even a blur, its this chaotic swirling thing with no thoughts, just confusion. There are times where all I can hear this loudness, that never shuts up and it drives me nuts, and all I can see is color, or this flashing, and all I want to do is smash my head against the wall to somehow knock things back in place.

I am terrified. Terrified doesn't even accuratley describe the raw fear I feel in my body about going to work. It's not becuase what I do is scary, it's not. That's not what it is. I can't explain it, because if I could, then I could rationalize it, use some logic to push myself, but when I even so much as THINK about work, such as right now, my chest tightens up, I can't breath, I lose my train of thought, I feel sick, I shake, I feel like I need to run, punch, scream... all at once.

I can't do this, I can't do this at all. I've broken down, and not just like normal, not just like I always talk about, but like worse than I've ever thought I'd ever be. I'm not talking about fucking depression here people, I'm talking about being batshit looney. Something has fucking gone nuts with me and I can't fucking handle it.

I threw up tonight. I was watching Jersey Girl, Vanessa and Nick were sleeping, and I just... had a panic attack, and I felt it.. I ran to the bathroom and just threw up, for ten minutes. I don't feel okay..

What do I do? Do I just keep calling in sick, or emergency, and hope that this will just pass and I'll just be better? Risk losing my job? What the god damn fucking hell do I do? Where do I draw the line? I can't function or exist, but I have responsibilities... but... I don't know.

I wish I had a home to run to, to seek shelter. I wish I had a place to fall back on, some form of safety. I've been on my own for too long... and I don't even know what that fucking means.

I guess it's kind of pathetic that I've turned this all into words, and a year or two ago I wouldn't have ever thought of doing so... but it was a last resort to feel some sort of comfort. It didn't work... send me your good thoughts.

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