Excessive

I ruined today, and I feel great regret for that. I didn't do anything on my list of things I wanted to do, I didn't eat lunch because I lost myself in my head, I got a headache, I can't stop worrying about random things.

I worked for fourteen hours yesterday, and I don't think it needs much more talking about than that. I started at 6am and worked until 8pm, and I was pretty ready to go home at that point. The strange or scary part is that I don't really remember going home, or anything about being at home. I was pretty out of it, sore, super tired, super undernourished. I had agreed to work the shift ahead of time, so it wasn't out of nowhere or anything, but it still hit me like a brick wall, and was quite a challenge.

I woke up this morning with a pretty bad headache... It was interesting because after the fact, I looked at the clock and realized that I woke up most likely due to habit, because five days a week I wake up at 5:05am, go to the kitchen and make coffee and toast, and drink my coffee between 5:20 and 5:40, and as I mentioned, I'm cutting out coffee for a month or two, so I believe the headache was due to my body expecting a large dose of caffeine, and also because I'm so used to waking up. So I wake up, I stumble to the bathroom and take some Tylenol, and try to go back to sleep, but I'm starving and in a lot of discomfort, so I decided to just get up and eat some breakfast, do my normal stuff, because I know that after I eat and wake up a tiny bit, after about an hour my eye lids will get heavy, my body will lose those night-time aches, and I could comfortably slide into bed again and fall back asleep.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I haven't been writing as much lately, and I believe there is a trend where as my happiness and general comfort goes up, my writing goes down, and this is because I used to use writing as a coping mechanism (I think) and I would do it to stave off loneliness, to give me something to do, to have a routine I stick to, to write to an imaginary audience which made me feel less alone.

No headache tonight, but I am too tired to write anything meaningful.

Worked in the morning from 6 to 2, then went shopping a bunch... first to Loblaws, then had dinner (chicken breast, white wine cream sauce, mashed) and then went to various Canadian Tire's and Best Buy/Futureshop, trying to find folding chairs and Groundhog Day. We eventually only got two of the chairs instead of three, because they were sold out, and couldn't find the movie.

I wrote less in September than I had in any month in the last 26 months. I need to fix this.

Oh and... migraine. Ugh.

Today was very busy at work, with normal hotel breakfast for 80, a special breakfast for 70 to 80 down the hall at the same time, another breakfast upstairs for 30 and brunch for about 80, I cooked for about 260 people or something... the morning was busy and stressful and my heart was beating and I couldn't breath that well, but... it all went perfectly, and it was fine.

I've had trouble finding my way to the computer to write lately, and as I always say, it makes me feel bad, and I regret it and I want to fix it.

Migraine.

Post Edit

My life can turn to shit in a blink of an eye. It's not that my life is shit or any such thing, no, it's rather a combination of about a thousand things that's making stress levels extraordinarily high, energy very low, motivation nonexistent and I just feel like laying down and giving up. I know that I've written it before, and I often wonder to myself just how many times I'll write it down, read it over and ask this same question?