Excessive

Yeah... I know.. I've completely failed at running a blog.. ugh, the fact that I can comfortably call it a blog just makes me sick for starters. It's been well over a month since writing at this place has ceased to be a regular occurance, and while things seemed to be turning around for me, I think it was partially something inside my head protecting me from a reality that I just wasn't ready to deal with.

Not to confuse anyone, I am very okay, and I'm not unhappy. A week or two ago I had this routine thing going... where I was getting a good amount of sleep, pseudo-real sleep too (just melatonin), I was getting up in the early morning hours, having a coffee and toast breakfast, watching the same shows, at the same times, eating a lunch, eating a supper, then having a coffee and donut for desert and relaxing then finally going to sleep again; I would do this day after day, and it lasted for quite a while. I suppose it's worth it to mention that ever since the day Nick moved out, my apartment has been completely spotless in every sense. I do the dishes twice a day, and when you live alone, that's plenty. The bathroom is organized and clean, the carpet is clean, my room is clean, my laundry basket is serving it's purpose and for the first time in months my closet is safe to walk near. You see, while it may just seem to be a clean apartment, it was a lot more than just that. It was a feeling of freedom, a feeling of accomplishement, and this unexplainable comfort that just comes along with having this nice smelling, clean place to walk around in and do whatever you wish. I take great pleasure in the small things that I get to do during the course of a day; noticing that it's starting to get a bit dark out and switching to 'night-mode' in the apartment is one such joy; I close all the curtains, and switch on the lamps and turn off the overhead lights, making the apartment a dimly lit, relaxing place to... well, relax.

A part of my routine includes spending time with Michelle, working her into my routine has been very good for me, keeping my mind on things that I like having my mind on, like what I'm going to cook for supper. It's important to understand that it's not fun, or even satisfying to cook for yourself... in fact, if Michelle didn't come over here, I would probably never eat food. So planning meals, preparing the meals, and then enjoying them with someone actually brings more joy to me than most people could probably understand. She keeps me busy, thinking of things to show her, things to teach her and things to share, so instead of sitting at home, depressing myself by having too much time to think, I spend a lot of time planning things to do, and stuff like that. While I do spend a large amount of time with Michelle, she does spend her nights at home, and most of her day at school, so in reality we only spend a few hours together, and it's usually me making supper, then having a coffee, watching Scrubs, then playing some form of game, just in time for her to have to leave, so while it may sound like I'm busy, really most of my time is spent at home by myself.

An odd thing happened to me the other day, when a long-time friend said she missed hanging out with me, and I asked her why she hadn't asked to hang out with me then, and she replied by saying that I spend all my time with Michelle. Now I don't think it angered me, because I wasn't mad, I was just confused as to why this conversation took place. Previously that day I read she had spent every day of that week with her new love interest, so really she's the one that's not able to hang out, and she knows, for a fact, that I would make time for her, under any circumstance. I guess I wanted to stand up for myself then... I just didn't know how. I don't really care... I guess I just really wondered why it was brought up at all when she had no free time anyway... I hardly believe it would be jealousy, so it just leaves me wondering; I suppose I was a bit hurt by it - being made out to be a self-absorbed bastard who makes no time for friends... and I'm just not like that. I want to make it clear that this paragraph was in no way of an offense, in fact it was meant as an attempt to show how I feel. If anyone, anyone at all wants to hang out, all you have to do is call or message me and we can hang out. If you don't tell me you want to hang out, we won't.. cause I don't read minds. Linzie.. Jess.. you two especially.

I've been finding myself actually afraid lately.. feeling these intense patches of fear when I'm alone in my apartment, and it's only started recently. I'm trying to make connections in my head as to what could be causing such a reaction, but I just can't place it. I think about all the things I've only started doing recently that could be causing this also-recent change, and the only things that come to mind are.. I've started playing more StarCraft, started taking Simply Sleep sleeping pills.. I don't really know what else. My first thought is to blame the sleeping pills, as they've been causing headaches they never used to cause, as well as a different effect on me; while they still get me stoned to the point where I'm dizzy, I don't pass out right away when I lay down like I used to. In fact, I find myself rolling around and thinking just as much as I would have if I hadn't taken any, except I get the fun little side effects that also come along with the pills, like the weird feelings in my muscles, twitches and, like I said earlier, the headaches that seem to appear either right before bed or when I wake up. I can't quite figure out why the effect would be different than before.. but I suppose it was because before I had taken a lot of them, for a long time, and now I'm just taking them for the first time in a long time, so my body isn't as used to them and stuff. Although, as I'm thinking about it right now, I used to take the pills, then write a long entry (draining my mind of any thought in a sense) and then lay down.. since I'm not writing anymore, I still have all those thoughts in my head, and I can't get any rest.. hmm. Ah.. I think too much don't you think? hehe.... I just hate the feeling of being afraid when I'm walking to the kitchen for a drink.

I've been having problems writing lately; just blog-type stuff. I want to write... hell, I've been walking around narrating my own life as if I was writing a blog 24/7 for the last 8 years and yet now when I got to write that entry, I freeze up and have nothing to type. I walk to the kitchen to get a drink and the entire way there I'm saying a paragraph in my head of what I would write if I was typing at that very moment, but when I sit back down in the chair, the last thing I want to do is write anything. I forced myself to write this tonight.. I didn't want to .. I faught it.. but I know that I have to have release, I have to get this shit out somehow, and this seems to be the only way for me. I am a writer at heart afterall.. and I guess it just has to be done.

Creativity wise I haven't been having problems otherwise... I've been creating fun and engaging maps for StarCraft, used to help Michelle learn the basics of the game, and the three races. I use them to teach stuff like introducing the three races, how to build defense.. just crap like that but I work a story into it so it's all connected and a little more involving. I have fun with it, since I get to release some creativity and mix it with something I also love to do, play StarCraft.. so it's a win win! I've also done some of my first programming in around.. a year and a half to two years. Yes, I've sat down, opened Arachniphilia and programmed some original, jordanesque php script. Well.. kinda original.. actually, it was a remake of an old VB program I made in high school. Back in the day when Ben and I gamed every day online, we had to interact with.. countless morons, so I made a neat little program that let you talk their language. You typed in text and it would change the text depending on which button you pressed.. you could even use it to send coded messages that no one would understand unless you knew to normalize it. Yeah.. it was a stupid little project, but that's what my programming has always been.. I just think of a fun idea, and I make it work, even if it's completely pointless. So, I'm really not sure how it came up, but I think I showed Michelle the old program, she laughed, and I thought... I could share this with the whole world if I made it web based and people could use it in their browser. Thus, at that point, I made the choice to start a programming project for the first time in ages, and it took me about two days of on and off programming to finish it up. The original was called Block Typer (I honestly don't remember why I named it that) and so naturally, this new one is called Block Typer 2! Just go there, play around with it, read the information... it may amuse you, it may not.. whatever, I honestly don't care! I made it to amuse myself and that's enough for me. Plus, Mark and a few others are having fun with it, so it was worth it; it's good for a few laughs.

Block Typer 2 [what? I'm a link whore.. fuck you.]

As I've mentioned a little bit, I've been playing StarCraft a lot lately, and teaching Michelle how to play as well. I've played through some of the original single player campaign, and Michelle has played through almost all of the Terran campaign, when she's at home for the night, we usually play a few games on Battle.Net, a mix of us vs. the computeres, and 1 vs 1s. She's learned really quickly, and improves more and more each game, really surprising me sometimes. Like how she defended (temporarily) against my Dark Templar rush and I soooo expected her to die like a n00b bitch. Anyway, in case you were wondering, the greatest game ever, StarCraft, is indeed still fun.

kairi kairi kairi

Hobby-wise, I've also been playing Dragon Warrior (the series) a lot lately. I'm not sure what I've mentioned in the last.. well.. month or so on this site, but I've beat Dragon Warrior 3 and 4, and I'm about half way through 5 (which I've never played before) and about half way through 8 (which I've obviously never played before). Not much to say that hasn't already been said about these games.. but I'm having fun with them, and they're keeping me busy and amused, so what else can you ask for hehe.

When I'm not playing games, generally any time that I'm not playing or sleeping, I'm watching what seems to be my favorite show, and quite possibly the greatest show ever created, Scrubs. I'm not sure how many times I can repeat myself without recieving free merchandise from the show, but seriously, this is the greatest show ever. Not only are all the actors involved amazingly talented, believable and awesome, but the show is both unimaginably hilarious (we're talkin' funnier than family guy) but it also deals with serious issues almost every episode, and many, many episodes have actually brought me close to tears (*turns to the boys* not really, im lying. i don't cry. I had my tear ducts surgically removed and my penis enlarged) and for a show to accomplish both of those things, usually in the same 30 minute period, that's something to be amazed with. I've actually watched every episode ever made now. I have Season 1 to 4 on my computer, and have watched all of Season 5 as it airs, every Scrubsday.. errr. Tuesday's at 9pm to 10pm, on NBC. Please.. for me.. for you.. watch.. this.. show.

So I guess the bottom-line is that I'm doing okay, and I'm just trying my best to keep myself occupied, keep myself in routine, and keep myself around people who like being around me as much as I can, because that's all I really want out of life... so might as well enjoy it while I've got it, hmm? Hopefully you'll be hearing from me soon.

i 83 0u7 8i7ch35!

2247 words

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