Excessive

I took a sleeping pill early and put on a hilariously bad movie "I am Number Four" in an attempt to block out all thought and feeling for as long as possible, and it's not quite working, as I've been staring at this stupid form for a long time and unable to write anything... but then again, maybe that is what I was going for... can't think or feel anything to write.

Yes, another bad day, another bad week, which seems like more of the same as this last little while has been pretty terrible. I'm still not doing very well, and it's not simply limited to a seeming mental breakdown, but I've also felt very sick recently, unable to relax to any degree. Maybe it's self-inflicted but it doesn't make it any less real, and I've found myself just moving between the couch and the bed, never being able to really think clearly or enjoy anything, I feel anxious and unsettled, I feel sick to my stomach and gross.

I know that this can't last forever, and I know that I've gone through this many, many times, and it's easy to get lost inside my mind during these troubling times, and difficult to rise above it. I know I'm not strong enough to right now, but maybe for five seconds as I write this paragraph, I can convince myself that it will be okay, that maybe a week from now, maybe a month from now, I will smile and I will feel good.

I woke up early this morning because I had to finish a school assignment before going in, so I woke up at 9:00am which gave myself two hours to do the work, which I figured would be fine, and it turned out to be more than enough time. I read an article and then summarized it for an executive summary assignment... I think I did it properly, but I guess I won't really find out until I get the mark back.

Calen gave me a ride into school where we both went to Comm and handed in our assignment, sat through the rest of the class, and took off. Calen had to go to the financial office, so I took the bus home. It felt like it took forever, but I just listened to the Morning Stream and kept to myself inside my head.

Once home I worked on some more school work, specifically a client/server assignment, and then for the rest of the afternoon I just floated around feeling sick and not really doing anything. I eventually made some beef tenderloin for dinner and worked a bit on the work hours page I'm working on.

Lately I've been listening to Radiohead... the latest album King of Limbs, especially Give up the Ghost, and Hail to the Thief. I tried playing Disgaea 4 but I felt tired and restless and couldn't enjoy it, sadly... I wanted to, I really wanted to, but couldn't. I hope this shitty piece of crap time ends soon and I can get back to a bit more normal.

517 words