Excessive

Christmas eve is over, the gift exchange has taken place. It was an enjoyable time and everyone enjoyed themselves as far as I could tell. I always seem to have difficulty coming down from the enjoyable experiences.

I woke up early this morning to a text from Julie, about an hour before my alarm was going to go off, which was okay I suppose, I kind of needed a glass of water as I felt quite dehydrated, but it kind of kept me awake, as I did lay back down afterward but didn't feel like I could fall back asleep... I listened to a few songs and rolled over and got up for the day. That nights sleep was pretty bad, I went to sleep with a headache and felt kind of sick to my stomach, and I just tossed and turned a lot all night, never feeling rested or comfortable. I guess I was eager to get up out of bed just because of how dissatisfied I was with my time there.

Julie drove me to work and work today was generally alright. There were certain frustrations as usual, but as far as what I had to do, it was pretty relaxed. I just made a bunch of salads basically, which was nice. We just got everything ready for the next day, Christmas, and I was out of there by 3:00pm. Lindy came and picked me up from work and drove me home, where I started to get snacks ready for the evening (and cleaning).

Since I had got off work a couple hours earlier than expected, I took the time to clean up a bit and take some extra time. I got a nice fruit platter ready, a nice vegetable platter, cut baguette with brie melted on top and deviled eggs. With the cleaning and preparing, I worked pretty much non-stop until 6:30pm when the family came over.

We sat around and ate the food and talked for a bit, before exchanging gifts. It was nice, everyone was smiling and enjoying themselves and it was nice to see both Lindy and my Mom smile and like the stuff I got for them. I also got a lot of enjoyable things, such as scarves, mittens, bubble baths, a brie cooker pot thingy, toothpaste, wine, pajama bottoms and a few other things. It was a lot of fun...

The worst part being after everyone leaves, I feel an immediate sense of loneliness, and the feeling that I don't deserve the happiness that I had felt. I feel low, alone, unhappy. I wish for significance, for a connection to something. I don't even understand... there are things I don't, or can't explore here, things that will forever be trapped inside my head.

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