Excessive

I feel odd today... today should've been a good day, but I'm left feeling off, not quite right. I've tried to explain it, and I've written it here a hundred times... how I feel when I feel this way, what it is that runs through my head, distorts my perspective and destroys any sense of security I may have formed in recent times.

It kind of comes out of no where, and it's difficult to notice it happening, but I'm left feeling like a stranger in my own home, like I'm a visitor or guest, like this isn't my home and I'll be going to a comforting place soon, but until then I need to stay here. I feel as though the people in my life - the important people in my life - are not real. Like perhaps a strange memory, or a dream. I see pictures and feel as though I don't recognize them, or don't quite. Something feels off, something feels not quite right. That sounds fucked up right? Well to be honest, it is. It's unsettling, and while I know that I'm being weird, I can't seem to snap out of it and just return to feeling normal. So I just need to suffer through and things will return to normal in a little while.

Work today was a joke, like... so unbelievably easy that it blows my mind that the regular workers that work that shift can't manage to do more... do anything even close to what I did. I mean... it would take awhile to go into it but let me try to summarize a normal day for the breakfast cook. Go in at 6am and put out a breakfast buffet consisting of a pan of scrambled eggs (carton of liquid egg in a steamer), a pan of home fries (drop in deep fryer), a round of sausage and bacon (put in oven when you get to work, wait twenty minutes, put in round), a bowl of fruit salad and yogurts (these are prepared the night before) and four bakery baskets (also prepared the day before). Okay, so they put that breakfast out, and then they're responsible for putting on the two soups for the cafe, make the quiche, quiche which the ingredients are actually selected and written down the day before, and then a soup and chili for the CVG. This usually leads them up to about 12pm. From 12pm, to 2pm, they spend that entire time re-setting up the breakfast buffet (ie. resetting the bakery baskets, baking more bakery, rolling bacon) and that leads to 2pm and they go home. So put out buffet, warm soups, set up breakfast, go home.

So I go in today, and put out the breakfast by 6:20am. All morning, until 10am, I did all my own dishes as well, and by 7:00am I had the soups, quiche and chili warmed and in the hotbox. The GFS order came in and I put that away, and produce came in and I put that away. From there, I got a gala for 75 people ready, made sauces for the satays, and made a batch of ranch dressing. On top of that, I also reset the breakfast, did bacon rolls and baked more bakery. The entire time I didn't rush around, I worked at a steady but normal pace, I took a couple eating breaks and drank my water, I listened to music and didn't go crazy. It was a productive, good day.

It was nice getting off work early, and I used the time to my advantage, by going to the store to grab some things for dinner... mainly soy sauce and teriyaki sauce, which I used to make a nice beef and rice stirfry for dinner. Once I got home, I had a snack and spent an hour or two cleaning the apartment, and finally made dinner around 6pm. I spent the rest of the evening mainly working on ExMoney (my new project) and for a little bit I played the SSX demo, which was fucking unbelievably amazing and I'm so excited to play the full game oh god.

I work tomorrow at 1pm to 9pm, and Bekki is coming home. I'm really excited to see her... as it's been six or seven days and the fact that I'm possibly temporarily losing my mind is good timing to be brought back to reality by a loving and caring person who will remind me what life is. Work is going to suck, it's some complicated, fancy dinner for 100 people, and all I want to do is have a easy day and come home. I want my day off.. I want to relax and not feel insane. I want to feel good and warm and smile and laugh and just be okay.

I just want to be okay.

808 words