Excessive

Yeah, so it's been awhile since I've written, and I can only blame myself. I've been having a difficult time, as usual, and have been distracted. On a positive note, I've been distracted with at least attempting to come up with strategies to manage my issues... fuck I hate that word. Um, strategies to manage my thoughts and behaviors. I kind of got fed up with not being able to deal with insane manic behavior, uncontrollable insane thoughts, not being able to enjoy my time off, racing heart even when nothing much is happening, and just... I just got so upset, and fed up with my inability to cope with life that I bought a couple books. One is a workbook for Bipolar II, which involves reading about different strategies and methods for dealing with specific obstacles, and then has worksheets which you fill out, come up with answers and apply it to your own life. It's been helpful, when I'm in the right mood, which is kind of a bad sign, because I need it to help when I'm in the worst of moods, when I need it the most. The other book is part biography, and part self-help book, and it's less relatable.

Since I stopped writing at the start of the month (it being the end of the month now), I've generally been sticking to the same routine. Days that I work, I... work... duh, then come home, go on the computer for a little bit, then make dinner, after dinner I have my dessert upstairs and usually play either Defender's Quest or play a little World of Warcraft (yes, I'm slightly back to playing). After that relaxation, Bekki and I do something together, like watch a TV show or most recently, I watch Bekki play through the Telltale Walking Dead game (season one) which is fun to watch and obviously even more fun to play through.

I've had a few rough nights, especially when I try to sleep. I tend to get the most anxious, often times manifesting itself physically with a crazy pounding heart. I would say it's been a pretty bad month overall, but there are good parts too. I feel like I've hit some low lows, but also made steps to help myself, so that's good too. Just the last couple days I've started to feel a little relief, from what... I don't know, from whatever. I feel a bit more rested, I feel a bit more relaxed and I can spend time playing a game for a bit without feeling unimaginably restless.

I've been playing World of Warcraft a tiny bit lately, and I've actually been starting to get excited for the next expansion, which I will treat as a kind of fresh start to the game. I want to try and get some things done before that expansion hits, like level all my main characters, and max out Marle's professions, just so that I don't have to do any stupid old content once the new expansion is out. It's a fun way to relax, and it feels good to play.

I work tomorrow, 6 to 3 (for some reason), and then I have two days off. I want to make my days off very structured and at the same time completely centered on games. I want to play games from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, I want to play old console games, play world of warcraft, and I'll make goals and have fun with it.

Yup, that's my story.

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