Excessive

No more drugs, no more nasal spray, I don't think they're helping in the long term, even though they help a lot in the immediate. I'm not sure if I've ever really wrote about my sinus issues, but I should've. It plagues me, and is perhaps the single most troubling and uncomfortable thing that I have to deal with. Most, if not at all times of the day, my sinuses... close. I can't breath through my nose at all, and it can get so bad, so much pressure, that it starts to feel as if I'm choking. A while ago I started to use nasal spray, as it cleared the airways and stopped the sinus 'swelling' (if that's what it is), however, I'm not essentially dependent on it to breath properly, and I don't know if it's because of the sinus problems or because of the nasal spray. I'm using it too often, and although the relief is immeasurable, I don't like the idea of being completely dependent on a substance, and I especially dislike not knowing if it's simply the nasal spray that's causing the issues at this point, because it's never been this bad before.

I also don't really want to be using sleeping pills, but it brings such comfort to me, but maybe it's also making me feel tired all the time. I don't know... there is a comfort to being fuzzy, to being put to sleep without struggle.

Today at work, all I did was continually think about programming and happy things, to occupy my mind with things that I enjoyed thinking about, and not letting myself get wound up and anxious, and it worked a little bit, but it seems that the anxiety has returned and nothing I can do will stop it.

I tried really hard.

Life is difficult.

I feel weak, and pathetic. I feel... out of control and just... so pitiful.

I can't breath out of my nose, I have a headache, and I'm anxious about work tomorrow. I can't stop tapping my knee, and all I want is to sleep, and the last thing I want to do is go to bed. Nothing makes sense, and that's sort of the story of me.

I programmed a lot today, and drank wine. Drank lots of wine, while programming. I seem to relax and concentrate more while drinking and programming. I accomplished the exact thing I was picturing in my head while trying to go to my 'happy place' while at work, so that's cool. There are still some work to do on that specific feature, but... I've had enough for tonight.

I'm going to watch Star Trek: DS9 and then try to fall asleep.

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