Excessive

I've been overwhelmed with emotion lately, and it's a bit... well... overwhelming. I've been feeling such a mix of things, and not only am I feeling all these emotions, but I'm having an ass load of physical side-effects of being off of my pills: vertigo, dizzyness, sleeplessness, headache, lack of energy, restlessness and so on. I've felt so worthless and useless and lazy lately... like everyone would be better off if I were to just leave and never show my face again. I do nothing for anyone, and I'm too weak, as it's been proven and proven again, and it's quite depressing if I let it get to me, which lately I have. Good things are happening to Emily, and she's happy and accomplishing things, and here I am filing for EI, trying to get a job, trying to deal with these withdrawl symptoms, AND trying to get my psychilogical self in check, and it's just way too much for me to take. If I let it all get to me at once, it seriously feels like my heads going to explode... and I'm lost as to what to do to get away from that feeling, to relax, or to feel good about myself, because no matter which way you look at it, I'm just a miserable, depressed failure.

On a happier note, Owen came over tonight to hang out, which was awesome since I haven't seen him in so long. We watched Napolean Dynamite, and played a lot of games (Resident Evil 4, SSX 3, F-Zero GX, Mario Kart Double Dash and others) and it was just a lot of fun to have a friend again (excluding Emily, whom is my friend, and I do enjoy doing stuff with, I just mean a friend whom I don't live with). It was a nice break from everything, and I hope it happens more often, especially if he's moving to Toronto, not that I wouldn't still be able to talk to him on MSN or visit once and awhile, but it would really be the end of an era sadly.

I'm not tired, and I even took a sleeping pill. I want to play a hundered games all at once, and never get distracted by anything. I want to feel great inside, and I want to feel sane. I want slowcooked chicken everyday, I want food, I want snacks, I want smiles and I want security. I want this hollow feeling inside gone. I want to feel grounded, and I want to feel safe.

I'm falling apart...

... and I wish I was a rock star.

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