Excessive

Today wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped. I woke up earlier than I had wanted, but thankfully I didn't wake up with a headache or anything. I didn't play any console games, didn't really listen to music, didn't really enjoy any games. I just felt a bit restless all day, and that feeling has kind of stuck with me all day.

I've got my puppy beside me, my wife over to my side, and we're watching the insect episode of Life.

For breakfast I had a herb and cheddar bagel from Loblaws with herb and garlic cream cheese with a coffee (of course). For lunch, I made chicken noodle soup, with Isle of Man cheddar and garlic stuffed olives and a piece of fresh french bread. For dinner I made AAA beef tenderloin on a portabello mushroom, with a blue cheese crust with full roasted garlic cloves. Served beside mashed potatoes and green beans. It was very ncie, and I enjoyed some red wine with it (Burnt Boat or... something. It's good).

Tomorrow I'd really like to play a console game and sit on the couch and not think about work for a bit. I'd like to get some chores done early and feel okay with myself. I feel so axious all the time, it's so exausting. I don't like complaining to my pregnant wife that I feel sad, or I don't feel right - how ridiculous is that? She is going through a lot and is being strong, and I'm just a big baby most of the time. I have just felt so defeated lately, so unlike myself. I think this is really just a big struggle with the pills. I was told it would change be for both good and bad. It would make me less anxious but also make me enjoy things less and I guess I just didn't believe it but now I can't help but see that in everything. I wonder why the games I play don't make me feel happy like they used to, and I can't help but feel like maybe it is a side effect, maybe it really is having an effect. I really hope not, and I'm going to go out of my way to really try to play some games and really see if I can get that excitement and enjoyment back that I used to feel so strongly.

I'd like to have a bath tonight after I'm done writing and after I'm done watching this episode of Life. My bones have been aching this weekend (another complaint!) so much so that I haven't been able to sit comfortably. This has happened forever - sore hips, sore knees, sore ankles. It hurts so much, and advil does nothing to help, and I'm hoping that a hot bath might bring some relief, although I'm not very sure it's going to do anything.

I think I really just need to work less at home and that should help my anxiety. We'll see... it's hard to get it out of my mind, and working on it feels like it's the only thing I can do to feel less crazy. It's a weird thing, to be honest.

I have so many ideas, and hopes and dreams, and things I want to do and when it comes down to it, I never seem to use my time to do anything worthwhile (lately). I say I want to play a game and then I don't. I say I want to learn a new programming language, and then I don't. I really just gotta do it, JUST DO IT.

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