Excessive

Yeah, it's the morning, and I'm writing... that's probably not a good sign. I feel as though I'm not in my own house, my own kitchen, my own bathroom. I feel angry, sore, frustrated, confused, scared. Nothing feels right and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to crash, I want to fall down and be a pile of uselessness just so I don't have to feel this, just so I don't have to be strong or whatever you want to call it.

Well, that was a bit over-dramatic no? Well it's how I'm feeling, and it's been the general direction my mind has been going over the last couple days. I'm not sure what's wrong specifically, but I don't particularly care for it. I'm grumpy, and get easily frustrated or annoyed, I guess you could say irritable. I don't want to take it out on other people, on Bekki, on people I work with, I don't, but it seeps out sometimes.

It just feels so odd, and unique... in that I've never heard of people having this similar problem, or similar occurrence. Feeling mentally disoriented, so things that should feel familiar just don't, they just don't seem familiar, and everything seems very foreign. I know I've written about this before, but I feel I should continue to write about it as it happens, so I don't forget, or so I can better track how often it happens. I feel like I'm in someone else's house, and I don't recognize anything... it doesn't have that home feel to it. I feel completely fucking crazy, and I hate feeling this way. I know it won't last forever, but I much prefer the calm, content feeling of having a fun and satisfying time with Bekki, and simply feeling at rest, feeling good about things as I sit at the computer or go to work, instead of feeling like the fucking world is about to end and I woke up in someone else's body.

I would like to return to the way I've been for the last month... is that possible? Yes... I know it is... but it's just a matter of how long it will take to get back there, as long as I don't destroy the conditions that caused me to feel that way. I just want to feel content, I would even take numb... just anything but this giant ball of anxiety and fear and irritability.

The last thing I want to do is go to work right now... I'm putting it off... I'm going in an hour later just because I don't want to go, with all my soul, to the very core of me, the last thing I want to do is go in to work right now. I want to get a pillow and a blanket, I want to sit on the couch, or lay down a bit on the couch, and put on a TV show or a movie, and just try to take deep breaths and feel at rest. To find comfort in a place where I feel uncomfortable; to break myself out of this feeling, to snap myself back into regular me. I think I know who that is... regular me... I know that person. I'd like to think it's me when I feel content, like when I sit in comfortable clothes and play Bioshock 2 for a few hours and eat chips and drink a Coke, or when I lay on the couch watching tv with Bekki but accidentally fall asleep for a few minutes because I just feel that comfortable and that safe and that relaxed. I like to think that's regular me, the me that I aim to be at all times. I know we all have our own ups and downs, and I'm okay with that, I just wish my ups and downs weren't so god damn fucking far apart in scale... I suppose that's what I used to take drugs for but I don't think they ever got to a point of helping me because I was always so inconsistent with taking them... I would forget to take them, or stop for a few days because I felt like shit, or I would want to drink so I would stop, and there was just never a time where I took them regularly and let them do their work, if they were going to do anything at all. I just remember feeling dead tired all the time... but I feel that now too, without a pill.

It sucks too because just yesterday I was feeling a bit off but then proceeded to have a really relaxing afternoon. Bekki was working on school work just on the other end of the desk, and I was doing some programming, and we had the Comedy Button on, and we just kind of existed in the same room and I felt great. The entire outside world disappears when things like that occur. Nothing matters, nothing - I just feel so at peace with my existence, and feel so relaxed that I don't give a shit about having to work the next day, or give a shit that I'm bleeding money, or that I'm scared to start school and balance work and school without killing myself... I just feel good. And I can feel that, and minutes or hours later completely switch, just completely change everything I'm feeling and my entire perspective shifts into this dark and twisted place.

So where does that leave me? What do I do when I feel this way and can't do anything about it. I have to leave for work in an hour... I want to take a cab but I'm not so upset that I can justify spending $15 on a cab... I just don't want to take a bus.. I don't want to wait in the cold, or see other people, or go outside. So I guess the answer is I just write a bunch, complaining about how I feel, and then force myself to do what I have to do to get through the day.

It's all I can do.

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