Excessive

So here I am sitting in the living room in front of the TV at the end of my three-day-off mini-holday, a couple days away from my full fledged week long holiday before school starts again. How am I feeling? That's a good question, I'm glad you asked brain. Well, I feel pulled in many directions... I feel hyper and indecisive, too many things I want to do, but also feel like I'm in a somewhat weird place.

Over the last three days, I've had the chance to follow routine and live life with a rigid structure, to force myself to follow a to do list, to reward myself for a day of productivity. Instead I've kind of been up and down, doing this and that, and it's left me feeling... not upset, or uncomfortable, but.. just a bit off. Like an itch in the back of your brain you can't scratch. Maybe there is a pair of socks on the floor, or a sweater thrown over the couch... instead of picking it up, I'm content to walk by, and I know that I should care and should want to change it, so that it just makes it even stranger to walk on by. The house isn't messy by any standards, there are just little things like that, that bother me, that I should've had the will power or thought to take care of. I didn't scoop the litter today, and not because I didn't have the time, but simply because I didn't want to... well, I don't like how that sounds either... I guess it's more that I just didn't get too it, and wasn't too concerned with that fact.

My ability to come up with fun, interesting or apetizing meals has seemed to disappeared. I never have meals planned out like I used to, and haven't for awhile - the thought of it actually makes me anxious. Not only because it's not just myself that I'm usually cooking for, but for some inexplicable reason, it just causes me to feel nervous. I wish that I could have a shitload of ideas like I used to - have it planned out and organized, but it seems to be a source of stress lately. Perhaps it has a lot to do with the fact that I've been working so many days in a row, and then before that the last day I had off I was busy the whole day, so I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store in quite awhile, so we have very little food, so coming up with meals is near impossible. Maybe the best thing to do would be to make a list of every meal I can think of, and see if any jump out at me as something I'd like to make. That seems like the best thing to do...

I often wonder if I would make a good father. I feel like I have enough self-control, humour, knowledge, philisophical insight and experiences that I would make a good Dad. Educational, fun, helpful, supportive. I feel as though my Mom has prepared me to be the best parent ever, and at some point I want to do that, I want that to be the purpose of my existing. Maybe it's my harmones, my age, maybe it's natural, but lately I've been thinking a lot about wanting to have a child, what it would mean, and everything it would entail.

I'm at that stage where I've finished a game I had been relatively obessed with and playing exclusively, I suddenly have an entertainment vacuum in my life, and with a week off coming up, I'm desperately trying to find a game to fill that role. As always, when in this state, I'm fairly clueless as to what will actually hold my attention, as at times it's something I wouldn't expect. I feel as though I want to play an RPG, but I'm not sure which one, or if any would hold my attention. I wish there was a Final Fantasy 8 or 9 that I hadn't played yet, a wonderfully crafted and polished game with a great story, but I fear it won't be easy to find. I'm tired all the time, and the last thing I need is the feeling of falling asleep on the couch because the game I'm playing isn't exciting or engaging enough.

I open tomorrow at 6am, so I need to wake up at 5am, so I'll be going to bed fairly early. I want to read a little bit before trying to fall asleep, so that's probably what I'll do shortly. Two more days until a week off, and then back to school. I'm still trying to figure out how i feel about all of this.

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