Excessive

The things that I want to write down enter and leave my brain so quickly that by the time I'm at the computer to type it out, I've already forgotten what I had wanted to say.

I'm so, so tired all the time, I find it hard to get up off the couch. I find it hard to think, or plan anything, or even just do things that I find fun. I want to read, and organize, and clean and plan meals, and do budgets and play games, but I'm just so tired, it just seems better to sit on the couch barely awake, than do anything else. It's a terrible feeling, and it seems way to all consuming.

What is is that I want to do with my time at home. Not my days off... I expect and realize days off should be free... free to wake up whenever, do whatever, and be as lazy as whatever, but I feel lost on work days. After I've come home from work, and I'm this tired, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel directionless, like I keep saying "I'll do this when I'm not so tired" but I don't think that magical time is ever going to come.

I need to make a day by day list for myself maybe, perhaps that's one possible solution for this problem, at least until my mental state changes in such a way that I can feel productive (as long as I feel productive). I need some kind of solution, and I've struggled with different variations of this problem for years, so I know that there are solutions to the problem, and I just need to take that first step, to decide to be better, because I've learned about myself: deciding to be better often makes me feel better, and while it may be hard to take that first step, if I'm aware that the first step needs to be taken, more often than not, I'll take the step.

My leg has been hurting lately... like, NOT my tumor leg, but my other leg, and it's strangely feels like how my tumor leg felt. Sharp, unexplained pain, but this time it's behind my knee, like, in my knee pit, ya know... that area? It hurts, makes it difficult to walk, and only gets worse when I work eight hours without sitting. As of right now, the pain is very manageable, and I don't need any pills or anything to deal with it, it's annoying and a constant pain, but nothing too bad... it's more... worrying. I get pins and needles in my feet and toes, it's an odd feeling, very familiar. A vomit inducing stabbing feeling in muscle... ugh. If it gets worse, I'm in a lot of trouble... I hope it goes away... that would be nice.

Father's day tomorrow, so it's going to be a busy day at work. Today was shitty, as I was alone until about 1pm to do... 90 in the cafe for breakfast, church breakfast (12 trays of sausage and 24 liters of liquid egg), two breakfasts on the banquet side, and a sandwich lunch by 12pm, all by myself. I was either set up to fail, or they have a lot of faith in me, either way it wasn't an enjoyable experience. Hopefully there is less pressure on me tomorrow, at least directly. Two days off afterward, Monday and Tuesday... looking forward to use those days to make a kind of day to day life plan, to figure out how to motivate myself, to get my mind off of depressing, unproductive, unenergetic thoughts.

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