Excessive

I think I might be feeling a bit better today, or at least, I didn't have enough free time to figure out if I was still not okay. That then perhaps makes me okay by default, since with no time to become completely introspective and obsess over things, overthink them, drive myself insane... I think work was a distraction, as I knew it would be, and it left me feeling a little less morose.

Work itself was stressful and crazy, I didn't feel relaxed, or very good, but it's a different kind of uhh... not goodness. It work stress. It's running around, it's feeling behind, it's feeling overworked, under paid, unappreciated... you know the drill, get there, somehow work a miracle and have no one ever say anything about it.

I feel unorganized lately, I feel... scattered and dislocated... I'm losing aspects of my routine that are affecting my sanity, or at least my perception of sanity, whatever that means to me in my head when I'm sitting at home. I haven't been eating meals, not breakfast and not lunch, not dinners and perhaps late night snacks are the only habit I've kept, which is like chips or popcorn, but even that isn't exactly my normal stuff, as I usually have frozen pizzas or chef boyardee (as gross as it sounds, I really find it comforting when I'm really tired and it's late at night). These things are all missing from my life, and as sad as it seems, they have a much larger effect than most would think.

I haven't had rye bread for toast in the morning for weeks, ever since it got super hot and it went all moldy and I had to throw it out, since then I've just been eating bagels in the morning, which is okay but not normal for me. I've felt like a zombie in the mornings, unable to think or do anything... maybe that's normal for me, it's hard to remember.

Work was busy right from the get go today, with a continental and numerous morning breaks, I used every bakery item we had, and I was rushing around trying to get more baked off, and then on top of that crap there was something like five lunches, which is just completely insane. I won't go into the details but we were scrambling around until the very last second trying to get everything out... it was unorganized and scattered but it was very... uhhh... shitty. It left me feeling unorganized - I couldn't keep a thought in my head, I felt so disorganized.

After we managed to get all of the lunches out and running around, there was a small plated at night that I got most everything ready for, and then spent the rest of my shift getting things ready for tomorrow, which is going to be an equally retarded day. Tomorrow there are something like four continentals, another four or five lunches, the big Thursday BBQ, and more... dinners. I'm in for ten hours, naturally... ugh. I have a feeling I'm going to get in a bad mood tomorrow, and it may not be avoidable. Things will be disorganized and messy again, I will be running around, heart pounding, and I won't be happy.

Once I got home, I had my dinner, which was a bowl of Doritos and a Coke, and just spent a few minutes on the computer before sitting down to watch an episode of The Shield. Eventually, I had a small, non-deluxe version of a chicken caesar (smaller and no bacon), and watched another episode of The Shield. After that, I played some Plants Vs. Zombies, and by that point, it was already late, the day had already passed.

I ran a bath, listened to a bit of the Morning Stream, tried to relax, kind of failed... I have a bit of a headache, and still have things floating through my head that I'm trying to ignore. Right now I'm just writing this and watching the Daily Show and Colbert Report because Jimmy Fallon didn't record last night for some reason. I'm just about ready to bed, ready to dive into a place where time flies and I get closer to a shitty day. Ah... what else is new.

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