Excessive

The last two days have been pretty bad for me, it has been exactly one month to the day since my last um... down period. It effects every aspect of my life; how I feel, what I do, the things I think, the things I dwell on and obsess over. I didn't want to feel like this so soon, luckily it wasn't as bad as last time, and I think I'm going to start feeling better soon.

Does that seem weird? To be able to talk about something like my mood objectively like that? It seems weird to me, but only when I take a step back and think about it, while I'm writing it, it seems second nature to be completely aware of how I'm feeling and how it relates to how I've been feeling in recent times. I can tell something is wrong when a couple days before my birthday, and on my birthday, I felt great, I felt fine. I was happy, I was more than happy, I was comfortable and feeling great, and in the blink of an eye, the next day, I feel so low, so down and so hopeless, like I woke up a different person. When something like that happens, it's like a flag goes up, and I'm aware of it, and I think about how it happened, what triggered it, I think about how I told myself I wasn't going to let it happen, but it did anyway. I then wonder how much control I have over my own mind, I doubt my strength, I doubt my sanity. I know that in time I will go back to feeling content, and it feels like kind of a cop out, since instead of attempting to fix the things that are triggering these bouts of depression, I simply wait until I mostly forget about them and get back to normal routine.

Today was an especially terrible day, containing many disappointing and depressing things that I won't even go in to. I woke up early again, this time I had taken a sleeping pill the night before, so I was still super tired but couldn't fall asleep again, I was kind of annoyed to be honest.

The day is kind of a blur really, I don't really remember the order in which I did things, but I do remember the basic idea of what I did. I didn't watch any of The Shield, I played some Uncharted 2, I played some Ratchet and Clank, and I played some Phantom Brave. I tried to play FFXIII but it was just too boring and I had to stop, something that is very disappointing, especially because I'm going to force myself to play through the entire game, and it's pretty bad, at least so far.

Today was supposed to be my birthday celebration, the time that my family came over and we celebrated and had a nice dinner and got together as a family and all that. I felt so down, so useless, I didn't want it to spoil the experience, and I didn't want to take it out on my family, or even expose them to that side of me, as it's not something I'm proud of. I called and cancelled the plans, which was difficult for me to do, and I immediately felt guilty and selfish for doing so, screwing up established plans just because I was in a bad mood. My Mom was supportive though, and wasn't mad or anything and only had nice things to say. I went in to my room and forced myself to sleep, because while it may sound cliche, I just didn't want to be awake anymore.

These activities... sleeping, laying uncomfortably on the couch feeling overslept, over-energetic but with no desire to move, playing games and watching movies, is all I did. I had no energy to think or act or do anything. It was a complete waste of a day, I barely enjoyed myself, I could barely think of anything positive, only cycle through negative feelings over and over. I watched Stranger Than Fiction, perhaps because I knew it was a sad, hopeless, romantic movie and it suited my mood, but it's an excellent movie either way.

I spent some time on the computer, browsing the penny arcade forums, something which I never do anymore but used to all too much, and I also watched the two latest penny arcade tv show episodes, and said hi to a couple old Warcraft friends on vent, something that I haven't done in months.

Overall the entire day was a write-off, and I regret my inability to fix myself or have control over what I do. I'm hoping that my return to work changes something in my brain and I go back to normal, as it is a return to routine, especially now that I have my bus pass back, I can start to live my normal everyday life like I used to. This week is going to suck though, because nearly every shift that I have is extra long, 7-5 mostly, which is ten hours, and it's not something I'm looking forward to.

Here's hoping things turn around for me, and maybe stay turned around for a bit longer than a month this time. Maybe I bring this on myself though, I'm a stupid, silly person.

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