Excessive

I always write better after I take my sleeping pill, but it's an interesting experience, in that it's like a race against time. I have an amount of time between when I take the pill and the effects begin to show, and when the effect of the pill becomes too strong and I can't think properly, where I can write well. The time can vary, I assume on if I had taken a pill the day before, how much I've eaten, etc etc, and the time can be anywhere from just one hour, to up to three hours. So, writing is kind of like this race against time, where I know that I will eventually stop being able to make sense, so I feel... pressure, pressure to get it out, and I don't like that very much, but I suppose the fact that I have 'too much to write' isn't the worst thing in the world.

Today went by really fast, and overall I suppose it was an okay day.

I don't really feel like writing tonight but I'm going to force myself to just because I know that I'll regret not writing later on, even years from now.

The last two days have been pretty bad for me, it has been exactly one month to the day since my last um... down period. It effects every aspect of my life; how I feel, what I do, the things I think, the things I dwell on and obsess over. I didn't want to feel like this so soon, luckily it wasn't as bad as last time, and I think I'm going to start feeling better soon.

Work was stressful. I feel... useless. I feel like an outsider, I feel like I've started a new job, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight, like I'm getting in the way. I was getting really upset, really frustrated, it seemed everything I was doing, everything was wrong. I used to be good at my job - maybe not - but I felt like I was good at my job, and that was important because since I didn't second guess myself, I got work done quicker. I felt so shitty today, so angry at how out of place I felt, my mind was kind of shutting down and then Jon wouldn't let it go and kept asking me what was wrong and trying to give me motivational advice, but I just wanted to be left alone to work through it. Eventually Julie came in and we had got our stuff done, so she just yelled things at me she needed done and that put me in a better mood because I can do those things fine and she generally appreciates the stuff I do and sometimes even compliments it, and after that my mood got a bit better and the second half of the day I was okay.

Today was a complete waste of a day, in every sense, completely and totally a waste of a day. I did nothing, I did not move from the couch, I slept multiple times, I laid feeling numb, listening to music staring out the window. I was a mess, the day was a mess, it was a terrible day.

I think Friday's are my least favorite day of the week, specifically because I wake up late, have only two or three hours to be alive, and then I have to leave for work. Not only do I have to work, but I get to work at a time where a lot of things are half done, or finished, and it's unorganised and difficult to just jump in.

Why do I feel so completely useless? What is so different between yesterday and today? Why did I feel so calm and relaxed and actually good yesterday, and here I am today with a chance to relax and I feel terrible? My heart is pounding and I can't focus and it's so unenjoyable.

I wish I knew why I had to suffer through this. Why I have some free time but waste it worrying and feeling like crap. I watched a movie, and worked on some website stuff, and did a homework assignment... I've accomplished things, but I can't relax. I feel like I'm doing something wrong...

It happens from time to time, it's hard to recognize maybe, sometimes I just think it's because I'm feeling depressed but maybe getting writers block is unrelated to moods, maybe it just comes naturally. I've been having trouble doing a lot of creative things, I've also felt very depressed and down, lazy, slow, unsocial, etc. These are things I seem to write about every other week, keeps creeping back into writing year after year.

I haven't really been able to write lately, I'm not sure why, but, I don't feel very good about it. This week has been less then spectacular, and I feel a weight upon my chest that seems all too familiar.

The 1Up Show and 1Up Yours (so far) were good this week. Lots of Square Enix coverage so that's probably why I enjoyed it more than usual.

I played a little God of War tonight and made a bit of progress but got to a hard part where it just wasn't fun because I'd just die all the time, so what's the point. I was just getting frustrated and remembered why I had put the game down and never went back to it.

Today has been a pretty big downer for me, and I can't really put into words why. It may be self inflicted... I'm not sure really, but no matter the cause, I just can't wait for today, and even tomorrow to be over. I think I need a fun day like Sunday to get my spirits back up.

We'll watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report, play a bit of Guitar Hero, and then I'll be alone again, and I guess I just feel empty, and I'm 99% sure that there is nothing I can do about it.