Excessive

I always write better after I take my sleeping pill, but it's an interesting experience, in that it's like a race against time. I have an amount of time between when I take the pill and the effects begin to show, and when the effect of the pill becomes too strong and I can't think properly, where I can write well. The time can vary, I assume on if I had taken a pill the day before, how much I've eaten, etc etc, and the time can be anywhere from just one hour, to up to three hours. So, writing is kind of like this race against time, where I know that I will eventually stop being able to make sense, so I feel... pressure, pressure to get it out, and I don't like that very much, but I suppose the fact that I have 'too much to write' isn't the worst thing in the world.

Working late sucks, and not because I have to be at work late, I mean, that seems to be the most obvious thing but no, it sucks because coming home from work, and it being very late, is like doing a bunch of speed and then trying to lay down to sleep. It's like this: Step in the door, realize it's actually later than I usually even stay up, have heart attack. Yeah, it's not very pleasent. Figuring out a way to transition without going insane is tricky, because it's like hitting the emergency brake on the highway or something. It's difficult, but forcing myself to enter a night time frame of mind is the only way, running a bath, changing clothes, turning on specific night time shows... these are the only things that work... oh... and sleeping pills. They help too..

Today, on the whole, was pretty bad for me, for whatever reason, just a string of things happening that kept pushing me down, making me think bad thoughts. I had some drinks last night, not too many but a few, and while not a sure thing, sometimes drinking can cause depression the next day, but it's weird because I'm aware of it... I'm aware that I'm unnaturally depressed and low, and I can't help it and it just happens, it's like a part of my brain is watching helplessly as the majority of it steers my mind and body into a car crash, just sets me up for disaster. Not to get too dramatic or anything, but thoughts of suicide or self-harm seem to float in, and things always just seem to get worse.

I didn't go to school today, yeah, that's right... it's the third day of school this semester and I already missed an entire day of school, but... I wasn't in any state of mind to get up and go to school at 8am this morning, so I decided to just stay home, since every class so far this week has been introductions. I felt guilty... I felt guilty almost right away, and I'm not sure if I felt guilty because I was depressed, or if I was depressed because I felt guilty, but regardless, it caused me to feel pretty anxious all day, and probably won't do it again. I was already preoccupied with my own personal insecurities, worrying so much about myself, how others see me, what it means to be vulnerable.. I felt so insecure this morning, so worried, doubting my sanity, doubting everything, and feeling these things essentially made me feel them even more, it was a pretty dangerous cycle to get sucked in to. After feeling this way while awake, I decided that the only option was to just go back to sleep, which I did very easily, as I didn't get much sleep and was still pretty tired. I just put on the Morning Stream and slept again from around 8:00am to 1:00pm or so.

After I got up from my nap, I figured I would make dinner for lunch, since I was pretty starving, kinda shakey and I knew I wouldn't be at home for a normal dinner, so I made spaghetti and had a coffee and half an Aero bar, while watching some Jimmy and trying my best to relax before I had to leave for work. It kind of work, I think... maybe. I took awhile to get ready, for some reason I was abnormally obsessed with whether or not to wear my coat or not, and making sure I had everything before leaving, and I guess I took too long and maybe the traffic was stupid, but it took too long to cross the street and my bus drove by without me on it, so I had to walk back home, feeling even more angry than I had originally felt, and pay for a cab to work, which really just seemed perfect as far as how my day was going.

If there is one thing to say about work, it's that it kind of snapped me out of whatever weird place my brain decided to go today, and while yeah, it sucked, and there were parts of it that really bothered me, it kinda changed me back to the way I was supposed to be. There were quite a few things that really put me in a bad mood, but it was a different kind of bad mood... regardless, I did my work and got a bit more done than expected, but that was mainly because I was there for so long. I was supposed to be working from 4pm to 10pm, but we had just hired this new dishwasher, and it was his first closing, and he was super slow, and had to catch the last bus, so he obviously wasn't done in time. I told him to wipe all counters so they were spotless, give a good sweep and mop so the floors looked clean, and then empty the garbages, all the dishes can just be organized on a cart and be dealt with tomorrow. I wiped the counters down for him, and he swept and then mopped, but the squeeze portion of the mop bucket was in the cafe, and he said he didn't have time to go get it, so he literally just wet mopped the whole floor with this brown water shit and then tried to sign out. Spencer came in to just do a quick look around before letting him go and the guy didn't sweep under anything, there was just shit everywhere, in plain view, and the floor looked like a toilet overflowed or something, it was disgusting. On top of that, I cleanen the counters, emptied the garbage and even ran a few dishes through, but he just said, "sorry I gotta go catch the bus" and left, so I essentially had to be the closing dishwasher in the main kitchen, and Kyle had to close the cafe pit, which is just hilariously large amounts of bullshit, but what are you gonna do. I reswept, remopped, this time properly, and then finally left at 11:30pm.

Getting home that late kind of drives me crazy, as I described above. I've done a pretty good job at transitioning, as I do have school tomorrow, and I wanted to write. I had three specific things in mind to write about, but this is the only one I'm going to get out tonight.. I'm getting too tired and I've got little motivation. I've got school tomorrow at noon, and I'm there until 4pm, and I don't work, so it may be a good evening. I know that I have to stop at the store for lunch food, but I think it should be pretty relaxing. Saturday I have to work 8am to 8pm, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to die that day, especially since I'm most likely opening on Sunday... raw deal... raaaaw deal. Like Uncle Travie when he sneaks up behind you...

I'll probably go to sleep now, as it's 2:30am, and I'm really tired, and I need to go to school tomorrow. I'm hoping tomorrow is better than today, but only time will tell!

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