Excessive

Work was stressful. I feel... useless. I feel like an outsider, I feel like I've started a new job, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight, like I'm getting in the way. I was getting really upset, really frustrated, it seemed everything I was doing, everything was wrong. I used to be good at my job - maybe not - but I felt like I was good at my job, and that was important because since I didn't second guess myself, I got work done quicker. I felt so shitty today, so angry at how out of place I felt, my mind was kind of shutting down and then Jon wouldn't let it go and kept asking me what was wrong and trying to give me motivational advice, but I just wanted to be left alone to work through it. Eventually Julie came in and we had got our stuff done, so she just yelled things at me she needed done and that put me in a better mood because I can do those things fine and she generally appreciates the stuff I do and sometimes even compliments it, and after that my mood got a bit better and the second half of the day I was okay.

I really did feel like running away. I felt like running away and quitting. Just hiding somewhere and crying, more than once I thought I was going to break down... this is the second day of full time work... and I'm already at that point. I hope that it gets easier, I hope that it get's to be more natural, I hope I get more confident. I don't want to feel like that everyday, I don't want to feel lost, and useless.

It's been difficult for many reasons, one of which is my severely reduced amount of free time. I wake up at 5:35am, I eat breakfast and drink a coffee, which I do not enjoy at all... I can't even manage to eat it most of the time, I should probably do something about this. I find the toast with peanut butter I eat too dry, or maybe it's because my mouth is so dry, because the sleeping pills I take really dehydrate me I think, so I wake up really thirsty, and then dry toast is just unenjoyable... but routine is important and I just do it automatically without thinking, I don't even know what I would do as an alternative... cereal and milk leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth and I usually feel sick, but I did enjoy fruit, like mac apples... I dunno. I'm getting really off track, let me start again.

I get up at 5:35am, eat breakfast until 6:00am, brush my teeth and get ready to leave and leave the house by 6:15am and catch the bus to work. I get to work at 7am and work until 3pm (if all goes well), and take the bus home and get home around 4:30pm. I sit down and just decompress for a few seconds, usually leading up to a dinner around 5:30pm, watch Star Trek TNG while I eat, which leads to around 6:30pm or so, and then have my coffee and my free time begins around 6:30pm. I need to get ready for bed around 9:00pm or 9:30pm, take a bath, take a sleeping pill so I'm in bed by 10:30 to 11:00pm, so that leaves between 6:30 and 9:30, three hours of free time. If I sit down and play a game for two hours, that's basically all I get for the day. An entire day, all of today, and I only got three hours to do anything. That's depressing, so upsetting that this feeling of not having enough time to do anything. I played a few levels of Max Payne just to relax and you know, start feeling relaxed, and I looked over at the clock and realized I had used up half of my free time doing it.

I always think... when I get home, I'm going to get into some games and play a bunch of stuff and really relax and unwind, but in reality there just isn't enough time to do anything of significance.

So yeah, I played Max Payne a bit, and played a little bit of Alan Wake, and that's about all I did. I then had a bath, took a sleeping pill, and now I'm watching Jimmy Fallon and writing. I'm feeling very tired, and obviously a bit sad (as you can see).

My new favorite song is A Song For Milly Michaels by Thrice... I listen to it and feel. It's weird, it's based on a book I guess, and really good. I turn it up really loud and listen to it as I go to sleep, and on the bus and stuff. It's off of the Alchemy Index (Air) but I've been listening to that entire album a whole lot lately, which is Vol 3 and 4 of the Alchemy Index, air and earth... earth is my favorite album, and Come All You Weary is awesome.

Time for bed now I guess!

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