Excessive

Hey guess what everyone? Today was another poorly thought out day full of bullshit! Yay! It seems all I ever write about is work, or more specifically, I just complain about work in detail, and perhaps this is a result of me spending most of my time there now (instead of school or the couch), and I realize it's not interesting to anyone, but really, it's all I've got to write about, and it's interesting (in theory) to capture these events and feelings in the logs of history for future reference.

Today was as stressful and terrible as I had predicted.

Okay, so maybe I'm exagerating, but it was still a run around, rushing, stressful time, and I knew it was going to be, and I felt like I was the only one who noticed how little time we had. I hate when that happens, when I feel like the only one worried. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

I have my down times and my not so down times, and recently, very recently, I seem to be on the up, and it's strange, because it's not like I gradually go from one to the other - no - it's quite the opposite, I snap into one, into the other, up and down without warning or predictibility. I thought the world was ending late last week, I felt like all hope was lost and I was so stuck in my own head, I was insane and obsessive and tortured. Saturday I had a hangover and it was a terrible day full of suffering, but something in that, something that I don't know seemed to have snapped me out of it, it's not like I gradually changed, I was a horrible mess one night, and the next night I was relaxed and enjoying some games and tv.

Friday was a terrible day for me. I wish it hadn't been... May 13th was my Mom's birthday and while I did find time to wish her a happy birthday multiple times, my entire day was spent in my head, going crazy and like... just, trapping myself in this horrible place where it kept piling on and piling on. It really felt like the world was crashing down around me and nothing else mattered. I wasted the entire day, it was a mess...

Work was stressful. I feel... useless. I feel like an outsider, I feel like I've started a new job, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight, like I'm getting in the way. I was getting really upset, really frustrated, it seemed everything I was doing, everything was wrong. I used to be good at my job - maybe not - but I felt like I was good at my job, and that was important because since I didn't second guess myself, I got work done quicker. I felt so shitty today, so angry at how out of place I felt, my mind was kind of shutting down and then Jon wouldn't let it go and kept asking me what was wrong and trying to give me motivational advice, but I just wanted to be left alone to work through it. Eventually Julie came in and we had got our stuff done, so she just yelled things at me she needed done and that put me in a better mood because I can do those things fine and she generally appreciates the stuff I do and sometimes even compliments it, and after that my mood got a bit better and the second half of the day I was okay.

I'm so nervous to go back to work tomorrow, you have no idea. I almost feel as nervous as when I first started there, and it's stupid because the weekdays are by far easier than weekends, and I've worked weekends every week for the last year.