Excessive

Today was a real day off, a day off. A day where I didn't go to school, and didn't go to work, and had time to do things. Things. Things. Things include laundry (that I had put off way too long), getting groceries that I had put off too long, doing school work (which I don't do often enough) and finally having some time to sit down and play Skyrim.

I feel like my heart is about to explode. I can't think straight and I feel wired out of my mind...

I had a database midterm this morning, and I woke up late. Yeah, my heart dropped as I rolled over and saw the clock, I woke up an hour late, and was a few minutes late for when I'd have to catch the bus, and so I stumbled out of my bed to my phone and sent a text to Calen basically saying, "Please tell me you haven't left yet. I need a ride, I woke up late" and it just so happened that Calen had fallen back asleep and was also going to be late, so that worked out. I got ready quickly and we made it to school pretty quickly and were only about three minutes late.

It's a nice revelation as I chat with a friend and I'm asked how things have been, if I've been having an easier time, and I go to respond and realize I can say, "yeah, today was a good day." I'm kind of lost within a bubble of safety, where I pretend that nothing else exists except things that make me happy, and it's safe to say that's mainly playing Disgaea 4, but I can tell that something in my head has clicked, at least for right now, in that I'm super energetic and creative... and yeah... I know what that means, but I'll pretend like I don't. It's better... much better than the last week, because at least I can still sedate myself when needed, to counteract the side effects.

Today was as stressful and terrible as I had predicted.

Okay, so maybe I'm exagerating, but it was still a run around, rushing, stressful time, and I knew it was going to be, and I felt like I was the only one who noticed how little time we had. I hate when that happens, when I feel like the only one worried. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

I feel good but I'm worried. I've been happy, as I've mentioned, but with each day my mind is getting faster and faster and harder to keep attention on things. I spent all of today going from game to game because nothing could keep my attention and nothing felt fun or interesting, I just... sat... at my computer and tapped my foot super fast non-stop and felt crazy. You could say, "well at least you aren't depressed" but... this isn't much better. I will try to keep it in perspective and enjoy the fact that the last two or three days have been very enjoyable for me, and I've enjoyed peaceful time playing games that I haven't felt in what seems like forever.

I have my down times and my not so down times, and recently, very recently, I seem to be on the up, and it's strange, because it's not like I gradually go from one to the other - no - it's quite the opposite, I snap into one, into the other, up and down without warning or predictibility. I thought the world was ending late last week, I felt like all hope was lost and I was so stuck in my own head, I was insane and obsessive and tortured. Saturday I had a hangover and it was a terrible day full of suffering, but something in that, something that I don't know seemed to have snapped me out of it, it's not like I gradually changed, I was a horrible mess one night, and the next night I was relaxed and enjoying some games and tv.