Excessive

I have my down times and my not so down times, and recently, very recently, I seem to be on the up, and it's strange, because it's not like I gradually go from one to the other - no - it's quite the opposite, I snap into one, into the other, up and down without warning or predictibility. I thought the world was ending late last week, I felt like all hope was lost and I was so stuck in my own head, I was insane and obsessive and tortured. Saturday I had a hangover and it was a terrible day full of suffering, but something in that, something that I don't know seemed to have snapped me out of it, it's not like I gradually changed, I was a horrible mess one night, and the next night I was relaxed and enjoying some games and tv.

Work was stressful. I feel... useless. I feel like an outsider, I feel like I've started a new job, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight, like I'm getting in the way. I was getting really upset, really frustrated, it seemed everything I was doing, everything was wrong. I used to be good at my job - maybe not - but I felt like I was good at my job, and that was important because since I didn't second guess myself, I got work done quicker. I felt so shitty today, so angry at how out of place I felt, my mind was kind of shutting down and then Jon wouldn't let it go and kept asking me what was wrong and trying to give me motivational advice, but I just wanted to be left alone to work through it. Eventually Julie came in and we had got our stuff done, so she just yelled things at me she needed done and that put me in a better mood because I can do those things fine and she generally appreciates the stuff I do and sometimes even compliments it, and after that my mood got a bit better and the second half of the day I was okay.