Excessive

I haven't really been able to write lately, I'm not sure why, but, I don't feel very good about it. This week has been less then spectacular, and I feel a weight upon my chest that seems all too familiar.

I won't go into much detail but work sucked this weekend, it became a place I dreaded more than usual, and that's not a good thing. I went to school on Monday but got frustrated because for the two hours I was required to be there, we didn't cover anything we hadn't covered before, in fact I didn't even open any programs on my laptop, it was boring and a waste of my time. The time it took my to bus there, and giving up my free time to sit through lectures on things I've already read or done before, I got pretty frustrated by it.

This lead to me staying home on Tuesday, using the logic of... the professor told us what we were going to on Tuesday, and it was simple recursion that we had already done in java (like the exact same example) so I knew that would be boring and stupid, and then the class after that is workplace behaviour, and while that is probably the class I'm concerned the most about my mark, physically going to the class is almost completely pointless because the prof just reads slides that we should have read in the text book in the first place.

So I stayed home, but I couldn't shake this feeling of guilt, this depression, this severe unhappiness. I feel sick, I feel nervous all the time, and it hurts. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, or... I'm not even sure, I just didn't feel good, and it kind of ruins my time that I wish I was relaxing.

I stay home on Wednesdays for basically the same reasons as I wrote above, but it's a normal thing I do each week, so perhaps I won't feel as shitty tomorrow.

I've been having a lot of difficulty concentrating this week, especially when it comes to my personal programming. I have worked on the website redesign of Excessive Rambling and made a bit of progress, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not designing the classes in the most effecient or smart way, and I really need to think through it but for some reason my brain won't compute the stuff. Is what I'm doing making it easy to understand? easy to modify? Is what I'm doing going to make it really easy to add new features at any time? Make it really easy to change the look after I've forgotten the specifics of the code? These are things that are really important. The first time I wrote this code, back in 2006, I wrote it in such a way that adding new features, or even making small changes to the existing system was near impossible, and I really want to avoid that.

I am happy with some of the results, and even surprised myself with the actual layout redesign. The way it usually goes is... I come up with some design, make it, a few days go by and I just don't like it anymore and it rubs me the wrong way and going back to the original layout makes me feel more comfortable. So my goal was to keep the feel the same, to keep the theme the same, so that it still felt like the Excessive Rambling I've been reading and writing on for the last ten years, and I think I did a pretty good job at that.

Tomorrow I'm planning on doing the laundry, maybe walk to the grocery store (but maybe not cause of this stupid snow), and generally try to relax as much as I can, and shake this feeling of death from me.

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