Excessive

So apparently I'm done school now... like officially finished, nothing more to do but sit and wait. Well... kinda, I do have to sign some paper and scan it and email it but I suppose you couldn't really claim that to be much work. Maybe I'll feel better after I do that... maybe it'll feel more real, or something awesome will happen, because right now I feel like complete crap.

It doesn't feel over, I don't feel good about it, I don't feel proud. Yesterday was terrible, and I cried for the first time in awhile, and then proceeded to have a few more bad experiences before the night was over. Sometimes I just hate myself and the things that my brain does, or the way that it works. I hate it... and I hate having to put Bekki through it and hate feeling like garbage all the time.

So what does it mean now that I'm done school? Frankly it means fuck all to me right now, because I'm still sitting here, at the computer, anxiously waiting to catch a bus to go to work and work. That's the same, nothing has changed there. Will I feel different on my day off? I don't know... a lot of the time I didn't do a lot of school work on my actual days off work, so maybe I'll just feel the same then.

When does this weight lift from my chest? Probably never... I experienced before school, so why not experience it afterward?

Yesterday didn't feel like "my day". Yesterday didn't feel good, nor did it feel celebratory. Do I even feel anything positive anymore?

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