Excessive

I don't think there is a word you can use to describe what I feel towards myself... or how I would describe myself, or catagorize myself as being; and I mean this on a much deeper level than you probably assume. I know that everything around me has changed, thus reflecting on me; changing who I am, how I act and react and such, and also changing how I see myself and others, but there is also some severe changes happening inside of my mind that cannot be reversed, but also hide themselves underneath my psychosis and neurosis, and they're very difficult to spot, and only under very specific circumstances can I catch a glimpse as to what I've become. It is a very scary thing indeed.

I haven't been eating regularly... something I would love to turn around as soon as possible, which I don't really see happening until I've at least settled in the new apartment, which is when I want to do some grocery shopping (minimally of course) and I want to start eating a breakfast at a regular time, and a nice rounded lunch and a good supper, with maybe some chips later in the evening to enjoy while playing a final fantasy. I want that regularity... that routine. I want to feel safe in my routine, where I can depend on things, expect certain things at least... to have some reliable life, so I don't always have to fear the next hour, week or month. It will calm my mind... push down my insanity to a level of tolerance, so I can actually manage to get through the day without breaking down and freaking out, mostly silently but it's happening to me and I think it's destroying who I am. When I reinact memories in my mind, it's like I'm watching a friends live, a friend who died, and I'm remembering their life, as if it were my own. I see it as a place I've never been and can only hope to be, and yet it was me. My nightmares are only becoming clearer, evolving and becoming more involving than my waking life. Not only do I fear them more than anything I've ever feared in my entire life, but I long for them, as I feel like I belong there more than I've ever belonged anywhere before. I feel as though I have a purpose; it's unclear what it is, as most things are fuzzy, thrown around in dreams, but I have a purpose. However out of control I feel, I feel involved. I suppose what I'm getting at, and what's hardest to realize, is that I feel more alive in my nightmares than I do when I'm awake.

Alright, I suppose I should just get off that subject, as I'm sure most of the readers, if not all of them, have lots interest beyond the first few words, so I guess I'll drop some links for 'ya'll'. That's right, I said Ya'll. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin. bitch. Here is some late and breaking news! dun dun dun. Click the headlines to read the story... duh.

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Bush relatives support Kerry
This one is pretty straightforward. Even his family doesn't want him re-elected!

Ashlee Simspons pwnt
This one is actually pretty funny. Michelle and I watched this happen on Saturday Night Live. Ashlee Simspon got caught lipsyncing.

Ozkar comments on The Grudge
Pretty much a one sentance review, but check it out if you're interested in the new horror movie, The Grudge.

Bush wants another $75 billion to fund wars
Amazing.. just amazing. Fuck people, if you're american and reading this... don't vote for Bush... vote for Nader for all I care, just don't vote for Bush.

GTA: San Andreas - First Impressions (PS2)
Tada! What everyone has been waiting for!

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I ran out of sleeping pills the other night, and since then I haven't been able to get to sleep before 6am, no matter what I do, when I have a bath, how long my bath is, if I watch TV, lay and listen to music, play a game... nothing works. I'm just stuck awake with nothing to do and I hate it. Also, as you may or may not have noticed, it seems around the same time I run out of pills, the amount of entries, and what I write inside of those entries, decreases as well! How strange... almost as if they're connected in some way...! Bah... I so wish I could get some more... This is torture in its worst form! I just wish I could lay down when I felt tired, and fall asleep within a few minutes. Whenever I lay down now, I always become more awake than before I had laid down. What the hell is with that?! Bah to that I say.

I've had a headache all night, and it just hasn't gone away... wow.. I'm complaining a lot... but I guess it's allowed since I DID add in that news, so I kinda balance it out.. hehe. Bah, I'll stop. Buuut.. I guess that leaves me with nothing to write about! How sad... nothing to say but bitch. I guess I'll leave you now, but know that.. I WILL RETURN! Dun du dun *puffs of smoke follow*

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