Excessive

... the movement of her hand waving goodbye...

This site doesn't look as good in firefox as it does in Internet Explorer... the borders are messed up and there is too much of a space at the beginning and the end of the post. Something that small bugs the hell out of me, as most of my friends would know. Usually when it comes to programming, I'm a picky bastard, so this has just been driving me nuts and I even tried to fix it... for about an hour I played around with my code trying to fix the borders but it just never changed. I know no one reading this is probably a web programmer or html expert, especially not firefox based, but if you know WHY the borders look.. inset, and not just full of color (ie. not shaded) tell me... for the love of fucking god tell me.

Work was bearable today actually... I'm not sure exactly what happens to me but I reach a point where all my axiety comes together and I freak out and I either force myself to go on or I chicken out and run away. Today I kept on going, made it on the phones and made it through the day, and I did well too. I sat and listened to an irate woman, who made no sense and was slightly mentally retarded yell at me for a good half hour over some guy named Wayne. Our group of four, Matt, Chris and Raf (he seems to like to spell it differently everyday!) and myself... we keep each other amused during and between calls, which in my opinion greatly helps with the passing of the time. Matt enjoys mocking the callers while they're on mute, Chris loves telling the customers to shoot themselves, and Raf loves planning racially motivated hate crimes. We have fun, and it's a lot better than if I just sat there and minded my own business the entire time and talk to no one and said nothing. Time still goes massivley slow but I guess that's expected, especially at a job like this. It seems for some reason whenenver I go to the bathroom at work (and this was true about Stream) I have strange revelations about my life, because I had another one today. I remember thinking to myself, "god fucking dammit I don't want this job. This is not what I want for myself, for my life. This is not who I want to be or what I want to do. What kind of life is spent working a job you hate just so you can survive in a shitty apartment? Is it even worth living? Why can't I have something to do that I enjoy?" and all this was going through my mind as I was holding my genitals peeing. I found it interesting that I was thinking all of that again, because I thought the exact same things when I worked at Stream and once I was gone I missed hte place and wished I was back.. so maybe I should take that as a sign and just suck it up and take what I can get. I just wish life could be momre, and I always have. One of the constant things in my life, and in my writing, is that life sucks, because of the entire idea of having a job. It defeats the purpose of being alive entirely. I envy those in bands, or movie stars, or authors, because they get to create for a living, and that is what life should be; full of creating, expressing and just... not working hour after hour, just so you can make just enough money to live in a shithole, so you have an address, so you can keep your shitty job you hate. Makes me sick to be trapped in such a position, and of course, that's exactly what I am, trapped. I'm trapped in my apartment because I don't have enough money to move. I'm trapped because I owe hundereds of dollars on bills, on rent... on credit cards. I have no food, and no desire to get any. Ugh... this paragraph is getting too long.

My friends, who've recently started blogs, posted pictures of their desktop, and so in an effort to flex my e-muscle, here is a picture of my desktop (below). Click on it to get a full version, and make sure your browser doesn't resize it, because you need the real size effect, to get full appreciation for my resolution!

click this for a view of my desktop
1920x1200

On my way home from work, I was walking briskly down the street, thinking of things as per usual, and I walked right by big bee, thinking about sleeping pills and stuff, and buying them and where I should get them and when. It just kinda hit me that I should look in that store to see if they have them, so I quickly spun around, like.. on a dime... it was weird... it doesn't sound weird but it was, okay? trust me. just fuck off, it was weird. I went in and looked for their pharmaceuticals, but apparently they don't carry anything that comes in pill form; they didn't have any Tylenol, Advil or Simply Sleep. NOTHING. What a disappoint, I think to myself. So I just leave and walk the rest of the way home... what a story huh? Well, at least I attempted to buy my writing pills, that's more than YOU can say, you fucking useless asses.

I was looking around my computer thinking about old times and stuff, and I found a lot of old pictures of people who used to, or are still my friends, and I went to their journals or myspace and posted the picture I found first. It was actually a lot of fun, and I'm sure pretty embarrasing (in a fun way) to them, so I just hope they don't delete them hehe. Here is a link to each profile I posted a picture in, just scroll down to find my comment:

- Vanessa's MySpace [picture of me!]
- Ann's MySpace [picture of her with her pants down!]
- Michelle's MySpace [old picture of her, miss blondie]
- Jess's MySpace [very old picture of her confessing love]
- Teresa's MySpace [pretty old picture!]
- The Electrocult's MySpace [kurt eating soap!]
- Linzie's MySpace [us from like... four freakin years ago haha]

I'm listening to Bright Eyes again tonight, as I did all last night, even while I was sleeping. I heard them in my dreams, all night. I had strange dreams as well... watching a man shoot himself in the fucking mouth and crying... disturbing but freeing to say the least. It was a very weird night in a way... I don't remember much of it but what I do remember, reminds me of my reaccuring nightmares... the same feelings, darkness... you know. Maybe the writing pills will bring those back too!

I'm gonna eat a bowl of cheesies, drink a Coke, and play a map or two of Advance Wars, then try to sleep. I'm gonna try to get up early tomorrow, or at least feel rested, that's all I really want, just to feel relaxed and refreshed, not nervous as fucking hell for once... why the hell do I have to feel that way? and you know, another thing... yesterday I wrote two entries, one was lyrics, okay, I give you the fact that commenting on lyrics is not really something to do, but I also wrote an entry, a long one, one that I thought was pretty well written, and I even opened up near the end, and over 3500 people came to my website yesterday and read it, but NOT ONE PERSON COMMENTED ON IT! How the hell am I supposed to know if you guys like reading this garbage!? IT'S CALLED FEEDBACK! 70,000 people and like 5 regular commenters? Ugh! Oh well... I guess I just find it strange that I find my writing abilities have gone way down hill, and yet my hits keep getting higher and higher... hehe. Maybe people like reading repetitve bullshit with poor spelling and grammar, rather than well written, intellectual and thought provoking paragraphs. Anytway.. toodles.. it's bed time.

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