Excessive

I've felt a terrible sense of helplessness lately, just feeling completely out of control of the day to day happenings of my life. What is causing it is fairly obvious, or at least seems to be, as it seems to be related to my work schedule, my cats, and just my own personal mood and/or motivation.

Recently I took steps to force a vacation, some time to generate happy feelings, to remind myself, and my wife, that our love is strong and we have as much magic as ever, even if it can feel far away when we are in the crazy hectic busy lives we lead. Besides that vacation, I've felt totally overwhelmed with life in a way that's seriously affecting my ability to function as a person. I feel like I can't breath at all times, I have knots or butterflies in my stomach always, I feel like a weight is on my chest and I'm suffocating. This is almost all the time, and it's finally getting too much to deal with. It's worst on my way to work, and keeps up at this high intensity while I'm there, at least for the first two thirds of the time, and then as I reach closer to going home it gets a bit better, and then once I'm home for the night, it goes down a bit, but it's still there.

Even as I sit here writing this, I feel nervous in my stomach and I just don't know why. I have no reason to be, and it's so annoying.

I've wanted to write about my trip to Niagara Falls for the last two nights but due to migraines, taking pills, falling asleep on the couch, being lazy, crazy cat issues, watching TV, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Strangely I'm up here now, forcing myself to write about how I want to write, and not actually writing about what I had wanted to originally... yeah... so maybe I should just stop this, and start writing about what I had wanted to originally.

The last few days have been especially stressful due to some cat problems we're having. After adopting Penny about a month ago, the cats (or unknown cat) has been peeing on everything around the house, and pooping outside the litter box, causing lots of financial loss, as well as smells, frustration and discomfort in our own home, and I felt so helpless because I really didn't know what to do and our actual physical property was being destroyed and felt fairly similar to what being robbed felt like because your stuff is just gone and you had no choice in it. Anyway, Bekki took some further steps to solve the issue today (after lots of cleaning and stuff that wasn't working) by buying brand new litter box that was even bigger, buying a UV light that shows cat pee areas, as well as an odour removing spray to cover up any smells that might be lingering. Anyway... we've seen the cats pee in the box, so things seem to be going in the right direction but it's hard to tell if it's solved for good.

School is starting in a week, and I feel like this summer was supposed to be a time for me to relax and it's only going to get even more stressful, so if I'm doing so poorly now, I fear the next few months... I'm really worried that it's going to be too crazy.

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