Excessive

I've had quite a few people come up to me recently and tell me that my writing has turned to shit (not in those words exactly mind you) and I can't help but agree that my writing has gone way down hill in the last few months. I'm not really sure the cause; obviously if I knew, I'd do everything I could to change it because writing is one of the most important things to me. My first thought is that it could be my excessive alchoholism that's fried my brain and killed my ability to write. Secondly, I used to always write my well written, epic journals while I was fucked up on sleeping pills, which I don't take anymore due to financial reasons. Thirdly, I've just lost my mind a lot more recently, in more serious, subtle ways. I'm going to be purchasing myself some Simply Sleep pills as soon as possible, not just because I can't sleep, but because I want to see if it improves my writing. Another thing is that my two writing inspirations have gone ignored for awhile now, and perhaps that's why my writing style has gone downhill. Kevin Smith's writing style has a giant influence on how I write, so I want to watch Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy and Dogma really soon, and see if any of it rubs off on me. Also, Tycho from Penny Arcade has a unique writing style that I love, which for some reason has stopped rubbing off on me... I think I just need to read his posts more closely and stuff.

I'm currently wearing Vanessa's pijamas and listening to I, Synthesist... uhh.. that's it for this paragraph.

I want to get up earlier tomorrow, and perhaps prepare a lunch to take to work, and actually go to work and be okay and not have massive panic attacks constantly like recently. I'm not really sure what goes through my head before work, but I get terrified and I just can't handle it. I don't really expect anyone to understand because I'm sure it's unique to me, and even others who have panic attacks wouldn't understand my situation completely, but it's so very unbearable.

I did some dishes, bought a bit of food, and cleaned the kitty litter today. I also put in a load of laundry but they locked the laundry room before I could finish it, so I have to get up tomorrow morning/afternoon and put it in the dryer.

I've lost sight of everything again; it really was just a temporary thing. I stood there and stared ahead; everything just falling into place and nothing felt wrong. It only lasted seconds... but it was wonderful. Even with that realization, everything is thrown around in my head again... things are problems when in all reality they shouldn't be. The things that matter the most seem unimportant, and the small stupid things are destroying my life. Perhaps I'm blowing things out of porportion... maybe that's my problem altogether.

My sleeping habits are horrible... I need to go to sleep earlier... which means I should probably go to sleep around the same time Vanessa does, because she goes to bed around 1 or 2am, which would be suitable. All I know is that I'm very unhappy with the current situation my life is in; as always I guess. This was what it was like at Stream too... getting up right before my shift, not having breakfast, not having time to get dressed properly, no time to wake up, do anything.. have a life. Then I come home and I sleep and it just repeats, never having time to actually be happy, relax or be comfortable.

I'm gonna brush my teeth... and decide to go to bed. I'm going to force myself I think. It's funny though because even as I write this, I'm thinking in my head, "no I'm not". On another, related note, even while I write all this, my mind is completely blank. I have no fucking idea where all this is coming from because I'm not thinking of any of it. I used to think of things as I wrote them and my mind would be one step ahead of my fingers, but now it's just a fuzzy cloud with nothing in it. Strange to think about where my fingers are getting the ideas to move...

no.. I'm not high.

goodnight.

added later

I can't fucking do this, I can't fucking hold this all in. I sit, I stand, I lay; it doesn't matter where the fuck I am, all I feel is this built up frustration and I don't even know where the fuck it comes from or how the hell to get rid of it. Where is everyone? Why the hell am I all alone here? Someone said, "you have a lot of friends though right?" and I just kinda sat back and thought... maybe I don't... I don't really know anymore. My life has no form and my existence is barely recognized. I live day to day, and I'm not even doing that well. I find joy in the most meaningless things, that I often look past anyway. I feel on a different wavelength then most people, especially those closest to me; sometimes I just feel unconnected totally, but other times I feel like I couldn't get closer. Shit like this has to stop or I'm never going to survive. I don't cut myself anymore, not like before, not because I can't feel anything. I've just sort of accepted that fact... but maybe that's what's missing from my life... constant feeling, a reminder that I'm alive. I don't want to go back there, and so I'm not, but everything is so different now, maybe things aren't better.

There. Was that writing fucking better? Swear words always improve things.

977 words

1 Comments