August 17, 2002 2:39AM
No Updates. I'm Snazzy.
Okay so what I haven't updated at all lately... why? because nothing is happening? well.. sorta that and because I just really haven't felt like it... mainly because I've just been playing Warcraft 3 fighting off depressing feelings and just doing a lot of nothing. Sound exciting? Oh yes oh so much. So strap yourself in and get ready because... here comes the massive update of updatedness.
Okay I'm not going to go over the last few days telling you everything that's happened in great detail. I can sum it up and talk about a few specific events. I've mostly been playing SNES and NES roms (emulation anyone) and I've been keeping myself busy that way... and in between gaming with those I've played Warcraft 3 (and got considerably better IMO) with the Benmeister. Now this may sound fine which it is in a way but it just seems very different now. I used to just lay around or sit around or sleep with and/or whatever WITH Linzie and now we're always just seperated downstairs. Now I've got a few ideas as to what this could be. It could easily just be the next step in our evergrowing relationship where we've moved past the FNT stage (Facsinating New Thing.. it's the stage in a relationship where you can't get enough of each other can't stop touching/kissing/hugging... you all know what I mean) and thus moving past that stage we've become a much more solid relationship... if we can get past this. If we just get bored of each other and drift in other directions then our relationship is fucked. Another thing it could be is she could be sick of me not like me I could smell... or maybe it's just what's been happeneing lately with no connection no hidden meanings and whatever. I always look into things too much but sometimes that can be a good thing.
I've had this weird thing happening to me lately. I could classify them as anxiety attacks but I'm not quite sure what those are... but here is what happens. It usually occures at night or when it's dark and laying on the bed with Linzie. I get extremely (unbelievably) claustrophobic to the point of not being able to be near her... and my throat is constantly closing in on itself. Even when I don't feel claustrophobic... it's really uncomfortable... and I just freak out.. I really just freak out. I forget where I am I get really anxious I need air... I can't breath because of my throat and it just plain sucks. It's been getting better for god knows why but it's comforting to know it may go away. My throat still closes regularly but at least I can lay with Linzie now.
I've been more nervous about my relationship with Linzie a lot these last few days... I guess I'll write excessively about that now... Okay we've grown so amazingly close this summer it's unbelievable. Not only are we the best (or so I think) romantic pair for each other we've become such good friends... like actual friends! It's awesome.. it really is. But on Wednesday she went over to a friends house and that's when it all changed. She left at 2pm after coming over for an hour and she was supposed to come over at 6pm. She didn't... I felt depressed about her going simply because I get like that. I have a hard time with this whole trust thing. A part of me (the majority) KNOWs she wouldn't cheat on me or do anything to hurt of me but the other part of me that has been cheated on five times just suspects it no matter what. I just wish I didn't... because I don't know what I'd do if she did. Anyway Her not coming over (she went to a concert instead) made me more depressed (I really haven't recovered yet)... I had to walk to Pizza Hut byself.. I watched the rain by myself... I watched Enterprise by myself... just everything that we do together I had to do alone.. and it really hit me hard. Now I KNOW that this shouldn't be a problem. I mean she should be able to go where she wants when she wants with whoever she wants and I should be perfectly okay with that... but I just get so nervous and it kills me inside. Why? Simple! She could say have a crush on someone or have feelings (romantic of course) for someone (other than me kids) and she could go out and be with him or whatever.. you know and fall inlove with him more than me... Blah this paragraph is getting too long.. Anyway... she could either like someone else and go out and spend time with them or she could go out and find someone and then like them... all while I'm at home and out of mind. Now if this was the case I'd want to know of course but who in the hell would go up to their boyfriends and tell them you like someone else... I mean really people.. who? That would never happen. But anyway that's what I get nervous about her being with other people in a romantic sense. I mean her dumbfuck friend Parkie is always touching her and she's always touching him and shit and she always makes a point of telling me in some way about him touching her... and that fucking kills me but I don't want to be left in the dark either... I want to be aware of who is fucking around with my girl even if it's just in fun or as a friend or whatever. *takes deep breath* When she came over the day after the concert she was wearing Parkies bracelet on her arm. Now this is fine right? Well.. she was wearing it on the arm that she was wearing MY bracelet on... I put it on her sorta as my tag (hehe you know what I mean... a representation of me so she'd remember me) but seeing his right beside mine on the same arm really bugged me. Why? Because I saw nothing but symbolism in it... but again I'm just looking into things too much and working myself up about it. She went out again tonight to a concert so I'm nervous again for the same reasons.. but why can't I just be calm inside instead of having millions of things going through my head all driving me insane. I kinda snapped last night and just got really pissed off... really pissed off. It sucked. I wasn't sure if I was gonna be alright but I was. Well.. onto something else. oh by the way I don't ever want Linzie to stop seeing her friends or her being with who she wants... I'm just expressing myself and I am in no way trying to (imply) controlling her.
Okay I'm going to keep talking about my relationship but I started a new paragraph because that last one was way too long. Ever since she got back from that first concert on Thursday (actually she came over Friday... today) everything has felt different. Everything seems different. The way we act towards each other the way she looks the way she feels... the sound of her voice.. everything just seems different now... and I need it to change back. I don't feel close to her at all anymore I feel distant and alone... I feel as if something has happened and we just aren't the way we were and won't go back.. I just want it to fix itself.. I guess it will in time but I would prefer it to fix itself now. I know it's just me because I'm always like this and there is something wrong inside my head that always makes me see shit like this but as long as she is still happy with what we've got I've just go to live with it.
I get my hair cut tomorrow... yay. Wow topics just seems boring compared to the rant I just went through... *cough* Um.. my hair is really long... Hopefully I'll look spiffy with a new haircut. Umm... I just got a lot off my chest for now.. maybe I'll stop before I get (a bit too) carried away (if you know what I mean slice slice).
Um... REM Radiohead POD and Matthew Good Band are the bands of choice so get that shit.
Goodbye and I'm sorry.
1425 words
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
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