July 02, 2002 5:21AM
No Subject
I don't know what's been happening to me lately but I don't like it. All these anxieties have been flowing back into me and I'm constantly nervous... the point of feeling nauseous.. I can't concentrate... I can't even think about the happy things in my life. Soon Linzie is going to be baby sitting a lot.. Ben's leaving tomorrow... where does that leave me? Alone... I don't think I can be alone. Does that mean I'll sink back into a depressed state like I spent so much of last year? I sure hope not... I couldn't handle that. Not now.
The thing about neuroses is that no matter how irrational the thoughts we (being me) can clearly see that they are irrational and that it makes no sense to worry about certain things yet I uncontrollably do anyway. I can't help but be nervous about things and lately everything is causing that feeling. I hate it.
I'm nervous about my relationship... I'm scared that Linzie is or is going to get bored with me or what we have (if you haven't noticed kids I'm not the most exciting person in the world nor do I offer much more than supper) and find something that is new or that is exciting and leave me behind. I know she loves me but that doesn't stop the fear. All of my past girlfriends have got bored of me and cheated on me... so what's different now I'm still the same boring person... perhaps I don't offer enough in a relationship to last a long time. I'm just scared she's gonna meet someone new and it'll be a new and exciting thing for her (FNT) and she'll move on... pointless fears I know (or hope) but what can you do.
I'm nervous about next year at school. I picked three courses that I couldn't take nor did I want to take simply because the counselor whore was pressuring me to do so and now I'm nervous about changing them or not being able to change them and having to take them... *sigh* arg.
I'm nervous about what I'm going to wear tomorrow I'm nervous about playing computer games I'm nervous about seeing my Dad before he leaves my life once again. I'm nervous about not being able to listen to music in the car now that my mp3 player is broken. I'm nervous that I'm not going to have enough money for WarCraft III when it comes out (tomorrow people tomorrow!!) and I'm nervous that I'll screw up someone's computer that I'm fixing or building. I'm nervous that I won't know the answer to someone's question about computer problems and I'll let them down or seem inexperienced. It's annoying to be so anxious... I just don't want to go back to that dark place I was before...
Anywho I just watched Mr. Deeds and it was a pretty good movie. Basically a romance with comedy in between. I think it was worth the price (free). If you want the movie just contact me (either through e-mail MSN or ICQ) and ask for it... or I can burn it and give it to you (if you know me in real life that is.. as opposed to this FAKE WORLD!!! *twilight zone music plays loudly*. Adam Sandler did a pretty good job even though it's sometimes hard to picture him in a romantic film.
It's really hot... I don't feel quite as nervous or scared right now and I'm still not tired (7:10am)... but I guess I'll go anyway seeing as I'm running out of crap to talk about.
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Timeline
- I lived with my Mom
- I was with Linzie
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