Excessive

Last night I couldn't sleep again, and again I took sleeping pills.. however everything that happened after that wasn't normal or regular or anything.

I was woken up at 7am when Michelle left for work, although I don't really recall the circumstances surrounding it (I don't remember why I woke up), I just remember looking at the clock and then falling back asleep. After I had fallen asleep, I had one of the most disturbing nightmares I've ever had, not so much because of the content but because of how it made me feel.

I was at my Grandpa's in Hamilton, and it was some kind of family gathering... I think it was Christmas, like it used to be back when everyone came there, with presents and family, and warmth. Sounds like a pretty nice dream... yeah well I thought so too. For some reason I needed to brush my teeth, so I went to the bathroom and started [small blank spot here], eventually I had made my gum bleed from brushing... a common occurance as we all know, but it quickly turned into something weirder. It would seem I hit an artery, or at least, that's what I said, and my mind created an image to fit with that, althogh it was a bit over the top, it made perfect sense to my dream self. It was over my top teeth, to the left side (in the mirror) and it looked like a small straw, where you can see blood getting sucked through it like someone was drinking it. I remember getting really scared at this point, and getting the exact feeling like I was blacking out... the rush of heat to your face, dizzyness, fear.. I remember running into the livingroom and saying something, and my Mom came to look and she was a bit scared but calm, and I remember my uncle Norman coming and asking if he could take a picture, and he wasn't scared, he was smiling, but not evily or anything. I remember turning back to look at the artery, and noticed it went upwards, and then I said something like, "oh it's going into my brain".

Shortly afterwards (perhaps instantly... who knows with a dream) a tooth had come in under the tooth where the artery had been (which was gone now) and the tooth was.. stuck under the other tooth, yet lose and moving around. It was the most disgusting feeling ever, it vibrating as I moved or talked, and I remember being extremely scared at this point. That's when my mind switched to thinking it had to get the one tooth out in order to make room or to get out the new, out of place one. I'm not sure what happened in this blank spot of my mind, but I was now in my Grandpa's computer room, and Norman was to my left, still calm, almost enjoying or fascinated with the situation, and my Mom was in front of me, being strong, calm and yet you could still tell she was a bit scared. I suddenly felt something, like marbles in my mouth, and I spit out two teeth, and I remember looking down and seeing them, and my Mom calmly saying, trying to reassure me, "okay, so two molars, that's okay" but then I felt more in my mouth and in a few seconds I had spit out every single tooth, and I remember my Mom looking at me terrified, then I looked down and saw the teeth, and that fucking feeling my in mouth was so real, and then I shot awake.

I looked at the clock and it was only 8am... I rushed out of bed, still afraid, and I called my Mom. I woke her up, but I just wanted to talk, so I wasn't alone.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that, so I stayed up until around 3pm, when I finally fell asleep again, only to have another nightmare... this time I was on a fieldtrip with what seemed like younger children, and we went to my Dad's apartment, only he wasn't there, and we found his room-mate had killed his self in a room. I ran out, to find my Dad on the street, where I did. He seemed happy to see me, and he joked around, only I told him to stop and I had to tell him something. I couldn't hear myself talking, but I saw him start crying, and then I woke up again.

On top of all that, I've had a stomach ache since last night, and today has sucked balls. The sucking of the balls comes from both the nightmares, the shitty feeling inside, as well as not doing anything at all today. Michelle and I were supposed to spend the whole night playing Tales of Symphonia but after supper she left, so I took a sleeping pill, put on a movie and went to sleep. When I woke up, the movie was still on but I felt sick, so I got up and went the bathroom, played a bit of Radiata Stories, and now I took another sleeping pill (the fourth today!) and wrote this. I'm really quite disappointed in the lack of Tales as it's been way too long since we've played for more than ten minutes, but whatcha gonna do?

Today was such a horrid day... the first time in about a year since the thought of cutting even came into my head at all. Of course it was just a split second, but it kinda scared me... made me kinda question what the fuck was going on with me, or around me.

Maybe tomorrow will be better? Maybe every day will be better..? maybe it'll just get worse.

I'll let you know.

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