Excessive

my family! aww

Let's just jump right in shall we! People say I complain a lot... but I'm not sure why.

Physically I'm not doing so great. Just a few days ago I had a bit of an overdose of lithium and I'm still feeling the mental side effects of such an occurance, and the physical side effects lasted for about three days. I have a headache right now, and have since about halfway through the day; I have a really stuffy and runny nose (at the same fucking time), and a dry throat. Combine that all together and you get one god damn uncomfortable kitty. It's taken away my apetite and ability to taste. I'm attempting to eat emily-sticks and drink a coke but I'm not really getting satisfaction from it.

I haven't really updated with a full description of what's been going on, so I guess I'll just sum everything up in a paragraph as it's getting late and I should be off to bed and not writing a giant entry of giantness. *ahem* Vanessa and Nick stayed with me from Wednesday to Sunday, and it was wonderful and we had a lot of fun, all of us. A lot of the time was spent sleeping and then drinking 40s (one night we drank with Mark!). I had a lot of fun, and there were a few instances where I didn't feel well mentally, and another instance where I was very upset and ready to do things... but a talk and an embrace changed things.

I missed Thursday and Friday of work due to taking 900mb of lithium and downing a 40 or two of beer (i think I mentioned that on my website) but I haven't brough myself to take any lithium since then... the thought of it kinda makes me sick. Anyway, since I was away from work, I missed my first two days actually taking calls; days where we had helpers sit with us the whole time and basically tell us what to do along the way. I went into work today, anxious, party due to a few things I believe. One being my recent string of mental/nervous breakdowns and panic attacks, episodes which I've done well of hiding from people. I randomly freak out over the smallest things; I've completely lost perspective of everything in my life and all the small things are blown up to look like important things and all the big things are pushed aside where I lose sight of them. I was peeing at work today and things just kinda fell back in perspective, at least for a few minutes, and I just thought, "man... how can I be so retarded all the time?".

I got off topic, as I usually do now while writing these... 'entries'. I went into work having missed those two days of experience, and I had to take live calls and stuff, and at first, before I took calls, leading up to the calls, I was kinda freaking out inside, TNS all over again kinda, and I honestly considered saying 'i left my perscription of lithium at home and I need to go get it' and then never coming back. I wanted to quit right there, reapply at stream and never look back... but I guess the part of me I got from my Mom told me not to and there I was, picking up a call. I had a nice guy help me for a bit, tell me what to do and stuff... after a few calls I felt okay... I mean I don't really know what I'm doing but I am really good at lying. If you ever call Verizon Online DSL Tech Support, please realize that most, if not all of the agents are full of shit heh.

I had lunch; Burger King; with Raph. I made the shy little burger king girl throw ketchup packets at me cause she looked bored and Raph wanted ketchup, so I just said, "just ask her to throw them to you" and it eventually lead to me saying, "throw me like five at a time and see if I can catch them all!". I was in a weird mood.

So that was my work day... taking calls for the first time, having panic attacks and calling vanessa and wanting to go home, then being okay on the phones and making it through the day, still wanting to go home and never come back (for all my reasons).

The walk home was wonderful (in fact, I use the word wonderful way to fucking much and the thesaurus is no help at all. fuck the english language. I'm just going start saying shit is odorokubeki and be done with it. and no, I didn't make that word up, it's japanese for wonderful.) Anyway, the walk home: It was sprinkling out, I was wearing sunglasses at night, there was a cool breeze and I was ignoring my headache. Things felt clear and simple... things seemed to make sense. I bought cheesies (emily sticks) and coke from the store, and the man at the counter smirked at me kindly and it make me smile cause I wasn't being made fun of for once. I think he thought it was funny that it was night time out and I was wearing the glasses AND it was raining out and I had rain drops all over them hehe I'm silly, what can I say. Anyway, I'm sure I figured things out on the way home, I'm just not sure of what it was I figured out... but something happened; something felt right.

The rest of the night was spent on the phone with Vanessa mostly, talking about random things, and Nick and halloween. Now it's almost 6 in the fucking morning and I'm not in bed and my nose and headache is driving me insane. I'm going to lay down and play a match of Advance Wars because I haven't in too long and I need it to stay sane or i'm gonna start chokin bitches.

Tomorrow is more loneliness and phone calls, so... I'm sure you'll all be updated on that. Toodles.

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