Excessive

Well it's stupid, I know, because I wouldn't say I'm upset, but I'm... not at rest, for what some would say is stupid... for what I say is a stupid reason. I finished Bioshock 2 last night and now I'm without a main game to focus on, to invest time into, and I've been trying to figure out what I'd want to play (both before work) and mostly after work, just kept putting in different games that I thought may interest me, but I just felt so restless and disinterested, just... ugh, it was frustrating because all I want is to be able to lose myself in a game, to feel excited and invested in something. I'm not sure what I want to play, which is the problem, but I have so many games that I could pick from, sometimes it's the fact that I have such a wide array of games to pick from that's the problem, I always second guess or wonder what that 'other' game would be like. Ah well.. I'll probably try playing a few games at once, and hopefully one of them will suck me in enough that I give it more attention and get really into it.

Who am I? What are my fears? What are my interests? What are things that bring me comfort and calmness? Who even reads this?

Today was pretty good really... Woke up early and went to breakfast with Bekki, at Archies. It was tasty and filling, and the walk was refreshing and welcome. Once home, I spent the afternoon finishing up some cleaning that I had started the other day... I cleaned and organized the rest of my cupboards, cleaned out my freezer.

I thought I wanted to write but I don't.

I have a headache and it's impacting my ability to write properly.

Today was an up and down day, a day of good times and bad times. This isn't going to be a long entry, not by a long shot.

I got up and had a nice breakfast... early.. around 9:30am or so. I started cleaning and organizing the kitchen cupboards almost right away, and continued with that almost all day. I took everything out and cleaned everything, threw out a lot of stuff and got a better idea of what I had. I had to do laundry too, so I played some Bioshock 2 while I waited for the washer to be done it's cycle... it was the only game I played today... this week maybe.

Do I have anything new to write? I kinda wrote a days worth of stuff earlier, so it leaves me feeling already quite empty... but I was watching TV and felt weird just sitting there, so getting the laptop and sitting down to write just felt natural, it just felt right.

Yeah, it's the morning, and I'm writing... that's probably not a good sign. I feel as though I'm not in my own house, my own kitchen, my own bathroom. I feel angry, sore, frustrated, confused, scared. Nothing feels right and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to crash, I want to fall down and be a pile of uselessness just so I don't have to feel this, just so I don't have to be strong or whatever you want to call it.

I should write but I don't feel like it at all. Today was frustrating and annoying at work, but after work was calming and relaxing.

I made an creative dinner using ingredients I had... I made a mexican chicken rice dish... it was good!

Oh hey you're cool if I have to open tomorrow at 6am instead of 7am right? Just get up an hour earlier and what not? Oh, okay, cool.

Today was a pretty good day if I do say so myself. It was a day floating in a make believe place of wonder and calmness and relaxation, where nothing existed but what was happening directly around me, inside my apartment, or on my sidewalk. Nothing mattered except what I decided mattered, and that was a wonderful state to be in, a wonderful place to exist for a day. It's easy to look back on, at the end of the day, and think to myself, "it would be nice if this could be forever" but I know that's not possible, so it's nice to enjoy it for what it is, or was, or will be and return to the world of money and Windermere and school and stress, with a new memory, new feelings, new purpose and motivation.

I don't want to write.. I don't feel like writing at all. I don't want to. Yet here I am sitting and writing out of some kind of habit or mental requirement... I don't even know why. I feel obligated, and I suppose that's good. Keeps things in check and that's important right?

I feel odd today... today should've been a good day, but I'm left feeling off, not quite right. I've tried to explain it, and I've written it here a hundred times... how I feel when I feel this way, what it is that runs through my head, distorts my perspective and destroys any sense of security I may have formed in recent times.