Excessive

Today was a day filled with attention deficit, an inability to sit and do any one activity for any significant amount of time. I tried doing chores, I tried reading, I tried playing games, I tried watching TV and I tried programming, and I didn't finish any of them or spend any meaningful amount of time doing any. It was frustrating, and left me feeling completely insane and uncomfortable.

I don't want to be writing, I don't want to be awake, and I don't want to feel so shitty. Also, having an 'e' key that doesn't sometimes automatically repeat itself would be great too, but we can't always get what we want.

Today was tiring, physically exhausting, and I even managed to hurt my leg and be a whiny bitch about it. Fun stuff right?

I woke up early again this morning, on my own without an alarm, at around 7:30am, and felt awake, or awake enough to decide to get out of bed right away. I went and started getting breakfast ready, some home made home fries, bacon, scrambled eggs, toast and even some cinnamon toast for a sort of breakfast dessert. I had it all ready by about 8:30am, and I pulled Bekki out of bed by her feet and forced her to eat breakfast (it was our agreement).

I worked at 6am this morning. I woke up at 5:50am. Do you see the problem here? Yes, that's right, I woke up when I should've been starting work, and I said - out loud- "You've got to be kidding me". It was hard to believe, especially considering I had gone to sleep relatively early compared to when I normally sleep. Bed by 11pm, I would usually have no problem waking up, and I almost always set my phone's alarm on nights where I need to wake up at ungodly hours, but this night... I forgot, or didn't think it necessary... whichever.

I have the burning desire to have a book tracking/book library website created and up and running already, I really want it, I get excited by the idea and yet the idea of actually sitting down to create it, or the effort it would take to create a nice layout for it, discourages me and stops me from even starting. On top of that, I have the money project still going and I actually have somewhat of a time limit on that, well... an optimal time goal I guess, where having it completed, or at least certain features completed, would make life easier and more structured and controlled and nice and safe and warm. It's hard to find motivation to do any of it really, and I'm just not in the mood at all, not even the slightest, to sit and do it, but today I forced myself and got a little bit done. Instead of it getting my juices flowing and getting into the groove, I was left feeling as unmotivated and uninterested in the project as I was this last week or two.

I'm tired and I suppose I should be; I woke up early this morning to go to work and here it is 12:07am and I'm just starting my night time routine. Ah well, I seem to fight sleep no matter what, nine out of ten times I will choose staying awake over going to sleep, as both generally leave me feeling tired. I am tired though, and things like... writing and reading for example, feel as though I need to struggle and really concentrate to do it, and it's not exactly pleasurable.

I go through stages... through cycles and yeah, I know that I do, and I know that I know, but it still catches me off guard and always seems new. Lately I've been so tired all the time... I've been napping and just feeling dead tired always, and just a week or two ago I would never sleep and never feel tired and need sleeping pills.

Today was very interesting, very uncharacteristically me. I swallowed my fear (no homo) and did something that would normally make me uncomfortable. What may seem terribly normal to others, I felt nervous and awkward about, but I did it anyway, and it made me feel good... yes, that's right, I worked in the backyard. Yes, for the first time in the two and a half years I've lived here, I stepped foot into the backyard. Ah, but I feel as though I'm getting ahead of myself, I suppose I should start at the beginning of the day.

I wish I had more time because there is so much I want to do. I want to read forever, and not worry about anything. I want to play all my games, and create countless websites and projects that will enhance my life. I want to spend time with those I love and not worry about what time I have to got bed, or what time I have to wake up, or when I'll be getting home from work. So much planning around limited time, it's getting tiresome.

Today was an interesting day, in that it was a mix of things, mainly positive, and while I generally feel at rest, I get flashes of anxiety that don't stick around very long. I've spent the majority of my time home reading, and it's been supremely satisfying.