Excessive

So I already kinda wrote about the first half of today, so it doesn't really leave me much to write about, thanks self, you are a dick sir.

I really didn't want to go to work today... I really didn't. I felt very disheartened taking the bus to work today, I was just in a bad mood, felt like shit. When I arrived at work, the mood didn't go away, and I was quiet and somewhat detatched. I saw this coming, I felt it coming... maybe it's related to work and school, but probably not, this happens a lot, all the time, constantly, and still gets me. Suppose I shouldn't fight it and try my best to be logical.

Work was pretty busy because we had a giant special BBQ for the conservative party (or a member of said party) and nothing was done when I got there, so I had to score a bunch of sausages, and slice tomatoes, onions, pickles, gather other shit, make a bunch of veg skewers and lots of other crap like that. Once the BBQ went out, it was over pretty quickly with very few issues, so I guess overall it went okay.

After the BBQ, I just prepped tomorrows stuff for the crew that's in in the morning, which consisted of getting the two breakfasts and picnic lunches almost completely done, and a few other things.

I did end up working an hour later than I should have, until 10pm, and I had homework, so it was kind of frustrating, but it's easy to get lost in the mindset of work... it's easy to just keep going once you've been sucked in and hypnotised. Once I got home, I was still in a pretty low mood, but I sat down and did some homework, because it's the only time I can do it because of the way my work schedule worked out. I finished the assignment to the best of my tired ass could do. Afterward, I was considering not having a bath, but as I was thinking about it, and looking at the clock, seeing that it was already midnight, something kinda just switched in my brain and I was basically like, "fuck it, I don't fucking care what time it is, I'm going to have a bath because it makes me feel good, and I get to listen to the Morning Stream, and I really need to feel comfortable right now." Sadly, my bath was quick, and I was already feeling the effects of a sleeping pill, so while I may have got clean, it didn't really relax me or make me feel any better.

After my bath, I put on the Daily Show and Colbert Report (and watched Jimmy before my bath) and started to write. I'm up way later than I should be and I'm going to be very sorry tomorrow. It's almost 1am and I need to wake up for 6:15am, so... here's hoping I actually wake up. I have school from 8am to 2pm, and then work at 3pm, which I'm not even sure I can make, plus I won't have time for lunch or dinner, and will have to bring my laptop and all school stuff to work, which really sucks. I then work from 3pm to 10pm, which also sucks, but... whatcha gonna do. If it all works out, I should have Friday off, assuming I can hand in my email assignment tomorrow, and I do well on my Math quiz, Friday may be a full, uninterupted day off, where I could do laundry, go to the store, and maybe play a god damn game for once.

For the last few days I've been doing very poorly, spent some time in a very bad place in my mind. It's hard to describe, but I think I've just been setting myself up for disappointment and despair, self-sabotage, hurting myself. I can't seem to have positive thoughts about the present or the future. It's a dangerous place to live, but I always seem to make it through. Missing school, hating my life while at work, not really having contact with anyone.. these are not optimal things, these are not things that make me feel safe and secure and comfortable. I'm not sure how long it'll last but I do want to feel good again, it wasn't long ago I was feeling the best I'd felt in forever, where I'd smile and have no bad thoughts... I want to get back there sometime... that place is nice.

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