Excessive

I am not important.

This entry is being written without the aid of a sleeping pill, something that rarely, if ever, happens. I'm not sure why, but I'm in a pretty bad mood, and I guess that's why I don't want to take a pill. Maybe it's because I just got home from work and school, maybe it's because this is the first time sitting down in my house since 6am this morning. I haven't had time to even think, or breathe, and maybe I don't want to take a pill that will shut off my brain in an hour, as tempting as that is. Lately it seems like having my brain active is nothing short of self destruction. I feel like my brain is melting, I feel filled with anger, frustration, despair, the feeling of being invisible, feeling like when I close my eyes I feel empty.

Yes, this is not a step by step recollection of my day, no... this is my frustration spilling out of my fingers and brain and I've got very few other ways of dealing with any of the shit that's going through my god damn head. I'm unhappy right at this moment, at this second. I can't do anything or thinking anything or plan anything that's not school or work, and I'm not even doing well with those things.

Today was an unusually, or maybe just extra abhorrent, but it got to me, more so than it normally would, maybe because it's been happening day after day, more and more shit that keeps pulling me down and sucking the life out of me. I got no sleep last night due to working and then having homework to do, and then having to wake up early, at like... 6am or whatever, so that just started the day off terribly, but then as the day went on, shit just couldn't go right. In my database class, we were assigned this unusually difficult problem, it was frustrating and it's one of the first assignments but it's so much more difficult than anything we'd ever done before. It's hilarious how out of left field it is, and how it doesn't fit in to anything we've done.

Having to go straight from school to work is not something brings any amount of positive feeling to my existence, and it just kind of set the mood for what work was going to be like. While I was outside talking to Mark and Julie, and Jon was around the corner in the kitchen, I guess my iPod slid off the shelf and into an insert of water that was in the sink, so my iPod is fucked now... it was on for about ten minutes before the screen fucked up and froze and now it won't turn on, so that just made me feel amazing,

No matter how much I did at work, shit kept coming up that set me back, or completely took away the work that I had done to begin with, and this was discouraging, and frustrating. Finally, after I got home from work after such a long ass day, I found out I bombed a math test today, which was just the icing on the cake, and a great way to start my semester. Maybe that was the final push I needed to really feel like I couldn't take any more, but something kinda snapped.

I don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm writing this, I think it would've just been easier to write a boring bunch of crap about what I did during my day. I've got no plans tonight and no plans tomorrow. I'm not going to school, and I don't give a fuck. I don't have to work and it will be a real day off, and that itself is bittersweet, since it's my only day off since Monday, so I have to do laundry and housework and go to the grocery store, and just that entire idea, that whole thing, it makes me want to cry. Yeah, lame, whatever, I feel like shit and I just don't want to think about it anymore.

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