Excessive

I can tell that I've been going through a rough time lately, whatever that rough time might be, I know it's one of the recurring things I go through, but I honestly couldn't define it. I can tell that something is seriously wrong, and not just because of my terrible moods, or my ability to go from 10 to -10 in a split second, but also because of a cloud of obvious indicators that follow me around. I haven't been doing my chores at all, pretty much just ignoring my to do list altogether. Thankfully and luckily Bekki has been picking up my slack, but I really can feel myself slipping and not having the energy or motivation and that's a terrible thing, a terrible thing that can lead to worse things, but I know it will pass. I'm not saying that it's the end of the world, rather I'm saying it's a clear indicator that something is changed in my head, temporarily. The anxiety in my stomach, racing thoughts, desire to be creative but the torture of having the inability to focus on anything, not reading as much, not playing games or having a hard time concentrating, my fear of spending money, and also my lack of fear of spending money (it goes up and down)... these are all things plaguing me lately, and it's getting old now, I'm getting tired of it. I need to snap myself out of it, I need to wake up with a clear mind and a stomach that doesn't feel twisted into knots. I need to tell myself to have an organized day, to accomplish things, to feel good about the things that I do. I know that there isn't a 100% chance that that's going to do anything, but it's a place to start, and when you feel lost and hopeless, having a place to start is one of the most important things.

Bekki is pretty and I love her.

Today was a tough day, there really isn't any other way to describe it. I woke up in a bad mood - not terrible or anything, but I could tell I've had better mornings. Bekki and I had a lot planned for the day, and maybe I was anxious about it, or maybe not, I can't even tell what makes me anxious anymore, because that feeling is just always there now, so I've just given up trying to figure out why. Anyway, we were going to go to the mall, Masonville, to go to Chapters, Zellers, and clothes shopping in the mall. We decided to leave shortly after 12pm, to give us some time to get ready, to eat breakfast and prepare.

It was super hot out today, something like 40 degrees out, and that's by far the hottest it's been so far this year, and I never feel comfortable wearing just a short sleeve shirt, for reasons I won't go into now, but it's just the way it is, I prefer to have a sweater or hoodie or a coat, just something to cover me, something to store my phone or iPod in and stuff like that. So with the heat, it was difficult to put on a hoodie but I did, and when we got on the bus I just took it off and held it. Yeah... good story right? I don't know why I brought any of this up, kind of useless.

The first stop was at Chapters, and Bekki had a specific book in mind, some memoir/biography (her favorite genre) and I had some ideas of things I wanted to look into... books on ASP.NET (for class), CSS and HTML5 (for my own personal projects) and DirectX (for class). The way the IT books are organized is terrible, and I had a difficult time finding books I wanted, but I found a few interesting books on web design, and HTML5 and CSS, but they were all $40 or $50, and I kind of had a panic attack just standing there looking at book after book, not being able to tell which was good or which I'd enjoy, people were around me and I just felt overwhelmed by it all, and I felt anxious about spending the money on books, and nervous that I'd pick the wrong book and regret it. I decided against getting anything and it kind of upset me... maybe not upset me but just kinda made me feel sad, or disappointed.

Leaving empty handed, we walked over to the mall to get some lunch, stopping at the food court to get some sushi and chicken teryaki... which was pretty good, I'll admit. I was kind of questioning how good it could be, but it wasn't bad. I mean, it's not as good as mine right? but I knew it wouldn't be.

From the food court we went to some random stores to find Bekki some underwear and things that make me uncomfortable, stopping in at a few places along the way, and ended up at Sears to pick up something for some baby registry thing I don't know anything about, but their entire baby section was torn up and being reorganized, so we couldn't get anything and going there was a giant waste of time, so... as you can see, more and more random ass shit that could lead to a bad mood. Afterward we headed to Zellers, which is still holding it's closing sale, so everything is between 50% and 80% off. They really didn't have much left, and the place looks like a warzone, but I found a few sweaters (yeah, I know... it's hot, so what?) and Bekki got a couple things. I really wanted undershirts but the entire isle was gone and so that was quite the disappointment.

Bekki stopped in at Forever 21 and bought a dress but I sat outside because I was having some significant anxiety issues, and afterward she came out and sat with me and we just talked for a bit so I could calm down, and it helped, and after awhile I felt a bit better, I could breathe and we decided to get the fuck out of the mall.

On the way home we stopped in at Archie's Fish and Chips for a date, and it was pretty good. I had halibut and fries, and Bekki had Haddock and fries (mine was better). It came with coleslaw, which was kind of bland and tasteless and seemed to come out of a bag, but other than that the meal was pretty good. I had a butterscotch sundae for dessert and Bekki had a slice of strawberry rhubarb pie.

Once home I had built up a pretty terrible headache that's still with me as I write this, but we tried on our clothes anyway, talked, spent time together... it was nice. Got me thinking, and I have or had a lot to write, about love, important people, companionship and what it means to be there for someone, and to protect them, and what it feels like to want nothing more than to simply take care of someone.

We sat down on the couch and watched Girls and then Kitchen Nightmares, and now it's 11:30pm and I need to go to sleep. I have school tomorrow at 8am as normal, and I need to get rid of my headache, so hopefully I wake up feeling refreshed and happy. Thrice is on Wednesday and I feel nervous about it for some reason, even though I should feel happy, I don't, I feel nervous and scared. I wish I didn't have to go through that. I just want a few awesome, relaxing days where I just feel at peace, just... completely... at peace. Please. Please.

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