Excessive

First day back to school today and it was super boring. Today I started Concurrent Processing, a class all about the basics of threading, and more specifically, threading in C++. It was really slow paced, and Santor spent a lot of time focusing on playing down how popular Macs are, or how insecure they are, and honestly, I've been listening to it for four semesters, and it's okay, we get it, you can just teach us the class material, and less about opinions.

After school I got dropped off at No Frills and met Bekkidybutton there to grab a few things, mainly junk food to make myself feel better, and a few vegetables. We walked home and stopped in at Canada computers on the way to grab Bekki a mouse for her laptop, because somehow she had been using her trackpad forever, and that's just pure insanity.

For dinner I made spaghetti and garlic cheese bread, and we watched Cash Cab. After dinner Bekki went to the gym and I played some games and listened to GFW Radio, which was semi-relaxing. I felt a bit A.D.D., switching games constantly and my heart was racing, but it's better than having homework to do or something.

From 9pm to 11pm, Bekki and I played Final Fantasy 10 and that was pretty fun, although very little story happened during that time, and it was mostly fighting, going from point A to point B, so it could've been better, a bit boring when I literally just sit and watch the same fight over and over for two hours. I just want to watch the awesome story and shit unfold, so... it's worth it.

I have more to write, and I wish it would come out. I feel full right now, full of energy and feelings and anxiety. I wish I could spit it out but it's not coming, and I need to sleep soon, I have to be up for school in six hours, so it's really not an option to stay up any later. I suppose going to try and sleep is my only choice at this point.

I think tomorrow will be better... today I was in a bad mood, and was uncomfortable. Maybe tomorrow I will feel at peace.

-1:12am-

I seem to do my best writing when I feel insane, or am insane, if there is any difference between feeling and being. I'm caught in a spiral of anxiety, caused from multiple things, maybe even things I can't pinpoint, and some I could easily. I lay in bed, feeling anxious about going to school tomorrow. I then realize that I'm not falling asleep because I'm feeling too anxious, and then feel more anxious about the fact that I'm not sleeping because I'm anxious, and so on, and it repeats, and grows, and then I struggle with the choices before me. Do I just write off tomorrow, and simply don't go to school? What are the pros and cons of this choice? Well.. it's just the tip of the iceburg really.

So let me figure things out using text. Well... I mean it's 1:30am and I'm up and writing, so I think it's pretty clear I won't be waking up at 6am and going to school, so the choice has already been made for me, or by me, or however you want to put it. However, it's still worth discussing what happened, or what's happening, or what's going to happen.

If I decide not to go to school tomorrow, my anxiety about not being asleep right now go away, thus taking an immediate weight off my chest. I mean, sure, it's easy to worry about things in the future, plans, far future stuff, even stuff next week, but worrying about something as close as five hours from now is pretty intense, and distracting, and having that go away is quite the relief. My anxiety of not being able to sleep goes away, as does my anxiety of actually having to go to school tomorrow, but that specific anxiety is replaced by a different yet similar one related to missing school. That feeling is somewhat countered by the fact that tomorrow is the first day of class and will most likely be an introduction and what not, and I won't be missing much, and anything of importance will be available on the website for download, so there really isn't much of a downside to not going, except for the looming feeling of letting myself down, of doing something I know isn't good, or, my perception of good... maybe it was in my best mental health to stay home tomorrow, what do I know? All I feel is guilt for 'taking a day off', especially after just having a week off.

Perhaps this is why my mind is having trouble with the idea of going back to class... why I feel so nervous. After such breaks, after settling in a new routine, it's difficult for me to readjust, and maybe this is my reaction. The only way to get better - to cure myself - is to dive in and stick to it, and going to class everyday will feel like routine. I know that will happen, and today was just a series of unfortunate events. It wasn't a normal day, I was in a... I wouldn't say bad, but irregular mood. I felt grumpy, or irritable, and bad things kept happening. I broke the lamp, couldn't enjoy any games, felt impatient with everything, felt anxious and hyper and unstable, and all that junk. I was just in a bad place, and could feel something bad about to happen.

So is this what I needed? To sit down and justify to myself why I should stay home from school tomorrow? To try and explain away the guilt? I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that I should take the day to make my brain better, that it's not a big deal to miss just one day, and that everything is fine. I needed to get the guilt to go away, to make it okay, to make it acceptable and fine and not a big deal. I think I may have accomplished that.

What do I need out of tomorrow? I don't know... I need to go to bed feeling okay... feeling normal. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill really early, so I fall asleep without giving my brain the chance to even think about anything, and then I just wake up and have to follow instinct, and that's get up, eat breakfast and go to school. Maybe I will just wake up tomorrow feeling cheerful? Optimistic? It's possible.. it's also possible I'll feel the same, but at least I'll have another day to try and make sense of it, to figure it out.

I think overall I've done a lot better this semester about school, way better. I blame Bekki for bringing me strength and making me a better person. I get up and go to school way more than I used to, and have stayed on top of my homework and projects, and overall have been way more dedicated to school, so missing a day here or there due to mental breakdown isn't that dangerous or crazy.

I will be okay, and one day won't kill me, and if I need a day to calm down and realize there isn't anything to worry about... then it's worth it.

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