Excessive

So in an attempt to relax and write, I put what already seems like one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, An American Haunting, some 2005 PG13 horror movie, claiming to be based on a true story, but it’s so poorly directed and acted that you can’t help but feel awkwardly embarrassed for it. Anyway, that wasn’t the reason I started writing, or what I wanted to write about, but it was staring me right in the face so I couldn’t help it.

I feel as though I just got home from work. I mean, I ate dinner, had dessert, played a game for a few minutes and it was already time to have a bath and think about getting ready for bed. I can’t help but feel a wee bit depressed, not... not too depressed, but it just makes me sad to have spent an entire day and not have had time to do anything that I wanted to do. I know Bekki understands, as we lead the same life, our... work schedules... are similar, in that our weekends are essentially write-offs. No time for school work, social stuff, not even any time to see each other, and it’s just work, and then breathe for a few minutes, and then it’s time to go to sleep so we can get up the next day and go right back to work. Obviously this isn’t anything new, and I should be used to it by now, but it can still hit me when I get home from work, where I feel eager and excited to do something, like play a game, and suddenly it’s 9pm and I need to get in my pajamas and I hadn’t even had a chance to do anything yet.

I feel like I’ve been lazy lately, and maybe I truly have been, it’s hard to tell. It’s difficult to really keep a clear perspective on it, you know... with my seeming constant changes in mood, maybe I feel like I’ve been lazy for a long time, but it’s only been a feeling with me for two days, but maybe I perceive it to be longer... I don’t know, it’s like... I feel like I’ve been uncharacteristically lazy for a long awhile now, but I’m perfectly willing to consider the possibility that it’s only in my head, but I don’t know for sure, which would be the problem. I just feel like I’ve been leaving the kitchen a mess, not cleaning the kitty litter every day... these are things that are required to be done in order to feel comfortable in my home, and are required activity to bring balance, discipline and control to my frequently out of control mind. To make matters worse, my lack of doing those things makes it fall on to Bekki to do it, as I’m sure she doesn’t enjoy a dirty kitchen, and a stinky litter box... and what makes it even worse, beyond worse, is that I know I’m doing it, I’m aware, and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I came home from work and made dinner in a nice clean kitchen, but after I was finished eating, I just couldn’t bring myself to use the little time I had to myself this evening to clean, so now Bekki is going to come home to a messy kitchen, which isn’t fair, since she already cleaned it once. It makes me feel bad, not because I think she minds, because I know she probably doesn’t care at all, but I personally feel guilty because I know she deserves better. So what is the point of this paragraph? Good question! I think it has something to do with... I am acknowledging a problem, and will take steps to solve the problem.. uhhh... starting tomorrow!

I just noticed I started the last two paragraphs with “I feel” and that looks retarded, but I’m going to leave it regardless.

I’ve been spending a lot of my free time playing through games, which isn’t exactly anything new, but I’ve been enjoying it more than usual I guess you could say. I don’t know really, it’s hard to describe. I pretty much have been playing only PC games, and I just turn on an old GFW Radio podcast, and play a game while I listen. Of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have some kind of negative aspect to this situation, and that is, due to whatever personality trait that I have, be it OCD, or A.D.H.D, or whatever, I sometimes can’t stick to one game; I load a game and play it for a few minutes and I can’t stop thinking about all the other games in my head, and I stop and switch games, and this will usually consume my whole night, never making any kind of progress, and never truly relaxing, and so nights (or days) where I can sit and actually play a game for any significant amount of time is an amazing and rewarding experience that I treasure. This isn’t anything new, it’s been a problem for... well, if I try to think about when it started, I can’t really pinpoint a time. I’ve recently had enjoyable experiences with Half-Life 2, with genuine excitement and enjoyment of the game... it’s been really fun. I’ve also been playing WarCraft 3, Borderlands, Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy X with Bekki, and then a few others here and there, but those are the main games.

I was planning to go in depth on each game I was playing, specifically I really wanted to write about Half-Life 2, but I think I may put it off for another night.

Work tomorrow is set up well - I did a good job today, I got pretty much everything done, so it should be easy enough to go in and get through everything fairly painlessly. There is the two normal things that occur every Sunday, and that’s the morning hotel continental, and then brunch, and on top of that, there is a picnic lunch and a grand hall buffet, and then in the evening there is a dinner, and most of the stuff for everything but the dinner is already done, so we’re in good shape, and should be a stress free day. I may have just jinxed it, but oh well...

I’m coming up on my 2000th post soon, and that’s a pretty big milestone, so I’m thinking about what I may do for it... I may just do something like what I did for the 1000th post, but I’ll think about it a bit before I decide.

Also...

I realize that I haven't been writing as much, and I think this goes along with my feeling of being lazy lately, and I will really try to fix this, as the last thing I want to do is start writing less frequently. I will try to start writing again every night before bed. Amerh.

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