Excessive

My life can turn to shit in a blink of an eye. It's not that my life is shit or any such thing, no, it's rather a combination of about a thousand things that's making stress levels extraordinarily high, energy very low, motivation nonexistent and I just feel like laying down and giving up. I know that I've written it before, and I often wonder to myself just how many times I'll write it down, read it over and ask this same question?

To go into more detail, the first thing that comes to mind is that I feel like complete shit when I can't plan out meals for the week... when I can't sit down and have a nice dinner, or when I go to the cupboard for dinner and there is just... literally nothing to make for dinner. Maybe it's because I'm lazy, or too tired from work to plan anything, or maybe I'm really tight on money this month and can't afford to go to the grocery store for random bullshit I figure I could probably do without, but whatever the reason, the result is the same, in that I get out of routine, I feel useless, worthless and just completely out of whack. Something as simple as planned meals can greatly improve my day to day life and I know that, it's not like I don't, but it's just beyond my control this week (at least) because of the way timing has worked out, there just isn't really a time for us to go grocery shopping or anything, and I'm too lazy or stupid to actually plan anything.

I'm also frustrated because Bekki's shifts at work and my own shifts at work make it so that we actually never see each other. From the day we got back from Niagara, I think I've seen her for about two hours total, and when we do see each other, it's pretty much just bitching about work and nothing personal or joyful or in anyway meaningful, I could easily be having the same exact conversations with any of my other co-workers, and that's not even close to what I want, nowhere even in the same universe of what I want out of my relationship. I know that it's just bad luck kind of, and that in the coming week there may be times where our shifts line up better, and it will continually be a challenge to make that work, to somehow have a good, meaningful relationship when we work opposite shifts and never have the same days off. Obviously I'm in in for the long run, forever, and nothing like this would ever get in the way, but it can be a source of frustration is all I'm saying.

I sit at home and I don't have any idea what to do with myself. I have no idea what game I would even be interested in playing, and I haven't sat down and seriously played one since I left for Cape Breton, and I just sit and go crazy. I just sit here, I look at a couple games, open steam, browse my library, close it, go to the living room, look at the stack of games, put on some terrible show on the Gameshow Network and then just feel empty and lonely. I generally end up going and napping for like two hours or so, get up, have a snack, watch some other show, then go right to bed with a sleeping pill. Not at all productive... I accomplish nothing, do nothing, don't have fun, don't enjoy myself, and I just sit like a useless piece of shit, and I hate it.

I will take steps to resolve these issues as best as I can. Until then I can only try to stay positive.

637 words