Excessive

My hands hurt and my arms hurt and my throat hurts.

Yesterday was a long, interesting day. I worked for twelve hours and then went out right after work, a tiring experience to say the least.

I started work at 8am and I think I took a cab... it's funny because I honestly don't remember. I don't remember taking the bus though, but I don't remember taking a cab either. That's kinda weird when I think about it, how I can't remember something like how I got to work. It's kind of weird really... kind of scary... wow.

Work yesterday went okay I suppose, it was myself, Jill and Jon mostly, with Mark, Matt and Mike coming in eventually. Jon, myself and Mark were working banquets, so it was up to use to get the wedding of 100 ready by 6pm. Jon worked on the entrees, stuffing chicken and making the sauces that we needed, and I got Mark on the potatoes we would need as well as plating the cheesecakes, and I did the 100 cucumber ring salads, 100 vegetable bundles, and... other things? I don't really remember. Once most of the wedding was ready, we started working on Sunday brunch, which was important because Sunday, today, was super busy, so getting ahead was important.

By the time 6pm plating came, we had almost all of brunch and morning continental ready to go, which I felt pretty good about. We started sending out the salads, and generally as soon as they're out, they come and take out the sorbet, but this time it seemed to go on forever, and apparently they were speeching between courses and it actually took 45 minutes between salads and sorbet, where we were like... waiting... waiting to plate. We had everything ready, set up, we were waiting for the word to start and it just wouldn't start! It dragged on and on, and of course it would, as I had plans where leaving earlier rather than later would've been nice. Eventually we got the go-ahead, and we put out the dinner, and there were no issues, it went well. Right as we were finishing the plating, Kyle, Tom and Laura walked in the backdoor into the kitchen and I was like, "tssssssssssst" and then told them to GTFO because Hannah was there, and she heard me say her name and was like, "blah blah blah" and I was like "ugh". It was about 8:00pm, and I signed out, a nice twelve hour shift, went downstairs and changed, and met them in the back.

We drove to the LCBO and picked up some drinks (I think) and then decided to just drop by my house so I could have a beer and grab a couple to bring, and maybe go pee and put on deoderant. I hadn't eaten anything all day, so drinking a beer in five minutes kinda gave me an instant buzz, and everyone kinda looked around at my stuff, which was both cool and not cool, I guess I'm more private that I thought... well, I guess I knew that, I am private. Anyway, Kyle played my guitar a little, we listened to some Clayman, and eventually after about fifteen minutes or so, we hit the road again and headed to the Skag Barons EP and video release party.

Spencer is a friend of mine, and a co-worker at Windermere (he's a banquet captain, basically a server manager) and he's the drummer in Skag Barons and had invited me to go to this release party at his jam space, which is actually this pretty sweet, large private club. Tom, Laura and Kyle were going and asked me to go, and I said I would if I wasn't a bag of shit after working a twelve hour shift, and it turned out I felt okay, so I went. We got there and drank a few beers, sat around, laughed at stuff, and generally had a good time. Skag Barons played a few songs, showed their video for the first time, and we just hung out on a booth type thing for most of the time, finding ways to amuse ourselves between sets and such. We didn't stay too late, which is probably good because if we had stayed later there's a good chance Tom would've drank himself to death. We left and went home around 11:30pm or 11:45pm.

Like all Sundays, I had to open at 7am, and I got home at midnight, and was drunk I guess, I had three beers on an empty stomache after twelve hours of work, so you can figure it out. I had a snack when I got home, took a sleeping pill and I went and laid down to sleep at 1am, knowing I was most likely going to be a piece of shit in the morning. Julie said she would give me a ride to work, so at least I knew I'd have someone to wake me up and make sure I went, so that was kind of nice. I didn't have that great of time once I got home, in fact much like the last little while, I was kind of a mess.

When I woke up, I had a small headache, so I just took an advil and it went away pretty quickly. I just ate a piece of toast and drank a tall glass of lemonade... I didn't have much of an apetite, but I figured the small bit of food and the large amount of liquid would ensure that I didn't feel like shit through the day. I would say that I didn't really have a hangover, which was good. I was fucking tired as hell though, I remember just wanting to crawl back into bed so bad, soooo bad. I wasn't looking forward to going to work, but I tried to keep my mind blank... not think of anything, as I figured it would be the safest thing to do, to stay sane, to feel okay. Sadly I couldn't do that forever, and pretty much just for the trip to work.

I started work at 7am, and had to get the continental out for 8am, with the help of Julie. This went fairly well, smoothly or however you want to describe it, it was fine. By 8am, we had to start setting up brunch and getting it out for 10am, which was mostly just collecting things that I or Mark had prepared the day before. It does take a surprisingly large amount of time to get everything collected and set up even if a lot of it is done already. I pretty much worked non-stop on getting it all ready and out on time at 10am. Kyle came in at 9am and helped with some of the brunch stuff, mainly the stuff Julie usually does, the croquembouche and hollendaise, and I did the hot entrees after getting all the cold sent over on carts. It went smoothly enough, everything was out on time and everything was there.

Sadly this is generally where the day takes a bit of a turn for the worse as far as my sanity and ability to breathe and not have my heart explode through my chest. We had a Gala 3 event, which is the biggest, most prep intensive type of event that we do, and it was at 2pm, and we had just got brunch out at 10am, so that gave us four hours total to get the entire thing ready, which just seemed impossible, considering it was something like 900 hors, fancy platters of cheese, fruit, vegetables, baked brie, brie and bruschetta, smoked salmon, mussels and shrimp, california rolls... all of that stuff in four hours... I just didn't see it happening. To add to the stress of the day, our daytime dishwasher didn't show up for his shift due to scheduling issues, and when Tom came in at 10am, he wasn't feeling good at all from the night before, and couldn't really work, so he just alternated between putting dishes through and vomiting. Kyle had to carve in the cafe for the first two hours, so it was literally just Julie and myself to get this shit ready, until 12pm when Matt would come in and take over for Kyle so he could help us in the last two hours.

I mainly worked on the platters, and Julie did some of the other stuff I hate doing, like she made a bunch of mashed potatoes for the potini bar, and I got Kyle working on hors and Jim Benny helped us with Satays and a few other small jobs. Things went okay I guess, I mean... in all honesty, I think the stuff I made looked like shit compared to what I normally do, and what I mean is... I used white platters I don't normally use and they don't lend themselves well to the shapes and designs I generally go for, especially the fruit which slides around like a mother fucker on white plastic, and I was so rushed that I didn't have the time to take the care required to make them above average. After a lot of work and a lot of calls from the cafe to replenish (which causes quite a bit of frustration) we were in pretty good shape. Julie had to end up staying a bit later than she had hoped to, but nothing too insane. 2pm arrived and the only things we hadn't completed on time was the shrimp and mussel display, which I did and got out only about ten minutes late, and the french pastries, which julie got out very quickly as well, so all in all it was pretty much done on time.

As soon as the stuff went out for the gala, Julie went upstairs to put in an order, Kyle and Matt had to go out and man the carving/satay station, and Tom was doing dishes, so I put out the hors, which took forever... or lasted forever, however you want to put it. There were so many, and they came back very fast to be replenished. I definitely wasn't happy, and I hadn't got to sit down all day so I was getting pretty grumpy. That lasted for almost an hour and a half, and at around 3:30pm, the event was pretty much winding down, so I went out back and sat down for a bit, and it felt too good, like... I could've fallen asleep out there. I came in, made a breakfast list for someone... anyone to do... and then before I knew it, it was 4pm and I signed out.

I called a cab after I changed, a checker, because I really didn't feel like waiting for busses, especially the transfer downtown that can take up to an hour... I was tired and sore, and grumpy and I just wanted to go home. I know it can be stupid sometimes to pay for a cab when I have a bus pass, but I figure days like today, especially the way I was feeling, and the fact that I didn't have to pay for one in the morning, made it seem very justified. Thankfully, I got home pretty quickly, and figured I should make dinner, as it had been like 48 hours since I had had anything worthwhile to eat. I just cooked some spaghetti and watched Jimmy Fallon while eating, and it probably would've been realxing if I wasn't dead tired and broken. My hands kill; My hands are so sore right now that it hurts to type, and it hurt to just sit and eat then. I have a scratch on the top of my hand, a 'paper cut' I got from a cherry tomato plastic container on the inside of my thumb where it bends, and then on my other thumb I have some pain from god knows what... it feels like I cut it with a razorblade or something, putting pressure on it hurts.

After dinner, I realized that I couldn't function as a human being, and decided to take a nap, as it would be the only way I could be awake later on, or enjoy anything that I might try to do, so I put on the Morning Stream and set the alarm for 8:00pm (it was 7pm at the time) and fell asleep instantly. I guess I slept through the alarm though, because I remember waking up at 8:45pm and not wanting to open my eyes or move, but I knew that I should, so I rolled out of bed, and continued my night as best I could.

Oh, before I had my nap, I actually did the homework that I had because it was due at 8pm, so yeah, I did do that before napping, and while it was difficult to concentrate, it was such an easy assignment that it was no problem. After I got up, I figured I would try to wind down for the night, even though I had just woke up from a nap... I know that seems silly. To sleep, and then get up just so that I could get ready for sleep, it kind of seems retarded, but... I wanted to write, and I wanted to have a bath, and I just wanted to be awake to enjoy the fact that I'm not at work or school right now. So those are two of the things I did after I woke up... I sat around on the computer for a little bit, but then ran a bath and enjoyed some more Morning Stream while I tried my best to relax, but it was really difficult as it hurts like a mother fucker with all my cuts going in the water. After my bath, I turned on Billy Madison and started writing, which was something like three hours ago, so I'm taking my time with this one (the timestamp is off too.. but we'll live with it).

I'm not going to class tomorrow because of how broken and a disaster my life is right now, which is no excuse so here, let me come up with one. Let's see... well, first we have my english Comm class, which will be notes on memo's which will be posted online so I can read them, and then after that it's C++ but that'll probably be review I don't need, and if it's not, I'm going to the class tomorrow so I won't really be behind, and then finally it's Client/Server, which I can do through FanLive or just by downloading the class notes and doing the work on my own, because it's fairly simple work. So there, I just explained why I can sleep in tomorrow and not go to school, also the fact that I don't work makes it that much more tempting and benificial to stay home.

I know that staying home probably isn't in my best interest, for many reasons, two of which is that going to school is just generally important, but also because lately when I stay at home inside all day, I go even more crazy than I already am, and that leads to bad things, so here's hoping my head is in a different place tomorrow, but I'm pretty confident it won't be, this mood seems to be sticking around for quite some time. I almost lost it at work today... people can be so judgemental, and I don't have to explain myself to anyone, I don't have to argue my point to prove that it's okay to be who I am, and I think generally speaking I'm a good person when it comes to others. Fuck you for making me feel small, fuck you for making me look like an idiot, and fuck you for not conveying any sympathy of any kind at any time. Do not open to anyone, do not try to talk to anyone, do not try to find friendship, do not trust, do not think of anything but self preservation. I wish I could follow my own advice; It's difficult to trust anyone anymore, people can be so heartless, so lost, so cold.

I feel like I've lost something before I even had a chance to have it, and it leaves me feeling like I have a hole in my chest. I want to fix it, I want it to be okay, I want it to go back to normal, I want to feel warm again, I want to feel life. I think I've made mistakes over the last few days, I feel like I've taken a step backward, but my surroundings look so familiar, I can't seem to get forward at all. I feel like I'm digging my own grave every time I write on here, and it's getting to the point where I can't climb out anymore.

2820 words

1 Comments