Excessive

I don't remember what I've written about, what I've talked about, I'm not even sure how many days it's been. I've been on drugs pretty much 24/7 since... Thursday? I don't even remember the day it happened. I don't have clear memories of events, or the order of events, in fact most things are a blur of strange emotions and occurrences that don't quite make sense. I've tried playing with sobriety today but it didn't work out. I felt pain and discomfort, and gave in and took meds. I've also been taking Xanax pretty regularly... at first I was taking it to ease the anxiety related to going to the dentist and dealing with the giant swelling jaw that I had, but I've continued using it because the almost drunkenness it causes is a... not a break, but... something similar, to life.

I can't make this entry about what I've done over the last few days, it won't be one of those, because I can't recall everything. I do remember... yesterday... I think. I think it was yesterday. I may have even written about it already, I don't know. I will write the things that I remember, and it's up to you to fill in the gaps. I went to work for a normal Sunday shift, which is an open at 7am until whatever... 2 or 3pm. I was only supposed to be in until 1pm due to the fact that I was fucked on medication, but the timing worked out that I was done at around 2:30pm. Julie was kind enough to come and pick me up from work, I don't remember why, other than she was just being really nice to me, but at some point we decided to go to the grocery store. I don't remember what I needed, or why we went, but I know that we decided to make dinner together. I think I went in alone, I think I had ravioli at home, but I don't remember buying it. Julie wanted her contribution to be an arugula, mushroom and goat cheese salad, so I bought those ingredients, and I picked up some... tomatoes I think.. and onions. I also got more carrot cake mix cause I wanted some carrot cake dammit.

Dinner was wonderful, and I posted pictures of our finished products on Facebook, so you can go there and see it. After dinner, Julie made my carrot cake for me without me even having to ask, cause she knew I wanted to eat some. To be honest I don't remember the rest of the night or any of the events that happened besides dinner. I know that I sent Julie a thank you note, because through this entire ordeal, she's been here for me without me having to ask.

I am unhappy right now. I think that's fair to say. I know that these moods and feelings are amplified, perhaps even caused by the medication, but it is what it is. I try not to lie to myself, I think I do a pretty good job at being brutally honest with how I'm feeling. I don't mind spitting my mind into the public, this is as much a private journal as it is a public forum, I'm mostly ignorant to the fact that people read it, it's easy when no one acknowledges it as being read.

I want companionship. I want the comfort of resting my head on someones breast. I want certainty. I don't want to doubt intentions. I want someone to have a genuine crush on me, someone to have feelings for me and be clear. I want to be stable. I don't want to wonder, or worry or doubt. I want routine and predictability. I would like the comfort of someone making it clear that they care, verbally, physically. I want time to do school work without feeling rushed. I want to feel secure at my job and not question my future. I want to feel as though someone would make sacrifices in order to see me, to spend time with me, that the idea of me, the things that came along with that, was important enough to sacrifice for.

I know that I write this stuff all the time, that I'm never very specific. I'm not sure if it's censorship or because I'm not entirely sure exactly what it is that I'm after. I have felt love, I know what it feels like. I know what it feels like for the entire world to disappear and for nothing else to matter except your heart and the person in your arms. Is that the only thing in this world that matters? Is that what everyone is after? No... I know this isn't true. People are so perplexing. I always doubt everything, I doubt things about myself, and I doubt what people truly mean. I have such issue with trusting people now, and I have such doubt with how I'm perceived. I used to have confidence, and I used to fake it, or could fake it. I wouldn't second guess how I was coming off, but now it's all I think about. I just picture in my mind how people must think of me as I'm saying the things I'm saying. I obsess over it, it really effects me. I probably need to take things less seriously right? Just go with the flow... not care so much. I wish it were the easy for me.

Being in this drug induced haze is almost a nice vacation from my everyday life. I know that sounds weird, or wrong, but it's true. I spend the majority of time awake worrying about things, feeling down, over thinking things and all this stuff, but being all numb and fuzzy from these drugs, having most of the memories I've been making disappear leads to a kind of nice ignorance. Sadly it doesn't really last, and I'll have to deal with everything eventually... so maybe I take that back.

I think I'm ready to get back to normal. I think I'm ready to remember my entire day... to feel comfort in doing dishes, to feel comfort in having a bath at 9pm. To feel okay with going to school, and comfort in preparing dinner at 5pm. I think I'm ready to have normal foods in my fridge, to sort out my freezer, to find comfort in the little things. Is this a real place? Have I been there before? or is that some kind of optimistic, unattainable thing I hang over my head as some kind of sick torture? I'm ready to get an email confessing love, to wake up and have positive things in my life. I don't want bloodstains, pain, regret, embarrassment and self doubt.

I want to feel secure, confident and creative. I want to feel pride in the things that I do and the things that I say.

Edit -- cause I can't stop @ 2:00am

I wrote an entire paragraph here... I moved to my computer room and turned on music. I couldn't sleep; I can't sleep. I refuse to try. I feel this burning need to be awake right now, a fear of laying down. I don't want time to move forward. I feel like I need to exist in this time for as long as possible, I don't know why, it's just what I feel right at this second. I wrote an entire paragraph and closed the window, losing the stuff I wrote, and now I'm angry.

I wrote about how unattractive it must be to talk with me. My insecurity bleeds through, even when I try to hide it, to mask it. I suppose the fact that I write all about the fucking shit here on my website gives me away, but I pretend like this writing, these words exist in a different existence, a different place where they aren't seen or processed by anyone. If a girl required constant reassurance from me, I think I would be turned off by it, I think I would think there was something wrong. My fear of coming off as needy, or scared comes through strongly I fear, and I don't want that. I just don't want to be fucked over, I don't need the instability, I'm liable to injure myself with such volatile emotional responses to such things. I constantly say things and then wish I could take them back, or over analyze and worry that the things that I said would be taken the wrong way, or be seen as too intense. I worry about that as well, intensity.

I know it may not seem like it, but I am easy to get along with. I have the social aptitude to make people smile, to make people feel comfortable. I can make any situation decent, okay, comfortable. You wouldn't know that from reading this, and when it comes down to my raw being, my essence, I am intense. The things that I love, I love, and the things that I detest, I detest with intensity.

I've reached the point where I've become such a mystery to even myself that I can't imagine someone falling for me. I know it's not impossible to imagine someone having a passing infatuation, or brief interest, but the idea of someone getting to know even a little bit about me and saying, "hey that's someone I want to be around". Will I find love? Will I find companionship and loyalty and trust? I fear that I've reached a dangerous point where I've exposed so much negativity about myself that it would scare people off, or even generate pity or even just make people dislike me for being so self absorbed. It may be hard to believe but I'm not. How does that make sense? Yeah, it probably is difficult to explain. This is the place I come to over analyze myself, to punish myself and my existence, but I am loyal to my friends. I care for people, I care for people a lot. I am willing to sacrifice, to honor others. I am a sweet person, I pay attention to people, to the smallest details and I make people smile. I love making people feel important and I love making people know that they are good, loved, beautiful, deserving of happiness.

I want a family, a life to be proud of. I think I can be a great person, I just need to figure some things out. Maybe there is someone brave enough out there to spend time with me, or stupid enough. But I've also started to come to terms with the idea that I will be alone, and grow older alone, and that will be life. I have so much to share though, so much love and passion to share.

Haha, maybe I should stop writing. Or... maybe you should stop reading? Ah... we'll figure it out.

Edit -- because pictures are neat

Here are some pictures of my face, over a couple days during the worst part of my tooth issue. So it's a tooth that needs a root canal, there's an infection, and it caused swelling in my jaw. There was very little swelling the day I went to the dentist, but the day I started taking the antibiotics it started to swell, and swell and swell, and I think it was the second day it was the biggest, and then it started going down. It's been five days now on the medication and the swelling is pretty much gone. The pictures are posted in chronological order, so you can see I look somewhat like a normal human being in the most recent one. Right now it just feels like a part of my jaw is numb, with pressure in it, and if I don't take my T3s, I feel sharp pains in my jaw, and I've never let it go too long, so I'm betting there is more pain hidden in there somewhere. Anyway... I figured it was worth having these pictures on here so future me can look back and go "holy fuck I looked fucked up jesus christ". Enjoy.

Yeah, so I'm back to looking pretty normal now, so that's good. While I only left the house twice in a week, luckily the drugs made it so I really didn't give a fuck how I looked. Soon the drugs will be gone and I fear this problem won't be fixed. Ugh.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got for tonight. I should really go lay down and try to fall asleep. I can feel that worry and guilt of not going to school tomorrow start to creep in to my stomach. So, just ignore everything I wrote tonight, I think that's for the best. I may over think things, but at least I think. Let's look at it that way.

I'm not stupid, I know I will never find the things I am looking for.

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