Excessive

Bekkidybutton

Today was a good day, and I should feel light, and happy, and carefree, but I feel heavy, and slow, and weighed down with worry, angst and... weight. A silly way to describe it - sure - but it's what came to mind first. I'm not too far into the negative feelings (another terrible way to describe it), I'm simply feeling numb and heavy, like a weight has been placed on my chest, and it's difficult to breathe. My mind feels a bit more normal than the last day or two... who knows why, I wish I could answer that. I can't even describe what's wrong, so there is no way to figure out how to fix it.

Me and my new pj shirts!

Work was satisfying today - it was organized and I did very well. It felt to go in, kick the shit out of some events, get ahead for the next day and still get to leave early. It's like my dream day, and while it wasn't perfect, and I didn't necessarily have fun or anything, it was still satisfying.

While the first portion of my day - the work portion - was productive and satisfying, the second half was quite the opposite. My Mom and Sister went and picked up the vacuum cleaning that I had wanted from Zellers and Lindy dropped it off at my house when she was done work. I spent the majority of the afternoon and evening simply fumbling around, not actually doing anything. I slowly got the dishes done and took my time putting the vacuum cleaner together... it seemed to take forever and I just vacuumed one of the rooms - the computer room - and it actually filled the whole canister with cat hair and dirt and whatever else.. crumbs I guess. This lead up to about 6:00pm when I half assed put together a dinner... it wasn't ready until about 7pm. I made pork tenderloin covered in chipotle bbq sauce, served beside prepackaged uncle ben's broccoli and cheddar rice, and some veggies. Overall it was a decent dinner, however for whatever reason, I didn't really enjoy the pork that much.

After dinner I spent some time reading... reading a chapter of Game of Thrones, and a chapter of Wildwoods, both enjoyable and relaxing, something which I really appreciate. I plan to go and read some more after writing this, as I do need to go to sleep soon, and it's a good way to wind down before going to sleep. I'll probably lay in bed and try my best to get tired.

I work tomorrow from 8am to 4pm, but there is a good chance I won't stay the full shift. There really isn't much going on beyond some breakfasts, so I'll probably clean the fridge or something and leave early. I just hope, hope, hope that it's a good day and goes well... leaves me feeling okay. I hate feeling like... how I feel now. Full of anxiety, hopelessness and fear. I feel like hiding somewhere, I feel like I want to cry but forgot how and I just want to be reassured and showered with positivity.

I'm gonna go read now, and sleep. If I don't die of anxiety first.

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