Excessive

I am not relaxed. I don't feel very good at all. I feel so wound up and anxious and terrible. I can't seem to take a deep breath, or even think straight.

Bekki and I went to the London Food and Wine show last night and tasted a bunch of really nice wines from around Ontario (mostly). Out of the wines displayed and available for tasting, we just immediately went for the most expensive, as it was almost always the most aged and oaked of their wines. We found quite a few that we probably would've bought on the spot if they were available, but at least we've added a few wineries to our list of destinations the next time we go to Niagara for more than just a Konzelmann run. It was fun, and when we got home, we ended up drinking some more and I was a little hung over this morning... nothing too bad but I felt dehydrated and a little off.

Today I worked from 6am to 2pm. It was busy in the morning and I was kept busy in the early afternoon. Time went by pretty quickly. I had pulled pork and coleslaw for lunch, and worked with Shawn.

After work, I got home to find a package waiting for me at the door, which was a guitar for dummies book and the game Rocksmith 2014, both I plan on using to learn guitar (and the skills I'd gain from that, I'd use to get better at the banjo).

We had a late dinner for whatever reason... I guess I lost track of time a bit while playing Rocksmith and exploring the new features of the game. I made seared pork tenderloin, with a maple balsamic glaze, sweet potato mash and turnip, cherry tomato and green beans. It was good, but I wasn't hungry I guess. I don't really know what's going on with me.

After dinner, I read my guitar book, played some more Rocksmith and before long it was already 8:30pm, and the night was almost over. I work at 6am, so I need to be in bed by 10:00pm, and I wanted to watch Doctor Who, so that needs to start around 9:00pm, so my night was essentially over already. It kind of depressed me. Usually I come home and relax for a bit, then make dinner by 5:30, and then enjoy dessert on my computer, play a game for a bit, maybe come down and play something on the TV, watch some Star Trek, and Fresh Prince, and then have a bath and watch Doctor Who, but tonight it all just seemed to go by in a flash and now my night is over and in my head, to me, my personal experience, it felt like I had no time at all today, and it fills me with such regret and shame and disappointment that it really upsets me. I didn't do my chores, I didn't do anything that made me feel at rest. Sitting down for dinner, my legs and hips hurt from standing all day and then working more at home on dinner, when I sat down, it just felt so good to sit, but I was also in a lot of pain, and eating wasn't a concern, just being able to sit was all I could focus on.

Doctor who will be over soon and I'll be going to bed.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I don't want to feel like this. I've been having nightmares every night, I've been waking up feeling like I've had fights with people I care about and that feeling sticks with me and ruins my day.

I have so much more to write, so much substance I could contribute, but it's stuck inside me. I need to let it out soon, it's all I want.

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