Excessive

I spent the majority of the day refactoring old code and I couldn't stop. My mind was racing, so fast, I couldn't think straight. I tried to relax, I tried to play a game, but whatever I did, I felt crazy. I felt like I could rip my skin off and scream and go nuts and there was just so much overwhelming racing thoughts that I couldn't do anything. I watched Star Trek TNG almost the whole day and refactored old code while I did it, as working with code occupies my mind and helps me from going crazy.

At the same time though, I often wonder if working with the code is what sent my mind racing. Was it a side-effect or was it the cause? I struggled a few times to keep going; to keep coding. I could've stopped but I felt compelled to keep going. Like it was the only thing I could do and not feel crazy. At that point, I kind of felt like it was the thing driving me crazy, but sadly it was already 7:30pm or something. I decided to take the leap, shut the macbook and have a bath.

As you can imagine, I didn't accomplish very much today beyond the coding and episodes of Star Trek I watched. I guess that's okay though because I spend the majority of yesterday doing chores and feeling accomplished. For some reason I haven't learned to spread those tasks out over the whole weekend instead of leaving myself nothing to do on Sunday.

It's now 9:00pm and I'm watching SNL with Brekkidy and my puppy. Adam Driver is hosting (who I can't help but like now because of his Star Wars association). Tomorrow it's back to work... not really feeling any anxiety about it or anything, but my health is getting more and more difficult to deal with.

My nose and sinuses are extremely sore, and yesterday when I went to blow my nose, blood shot out so fast it hit the mirror. I can barely breath through my nose and it's just generally uncomfortable at all times. I take a nasal spray that is supposed to make it easier for me to breath, but I think it might be destroying my nose and sinuses. On top of that, my axiety medication causes me to feel unbearably tired by 2pm, to the point of not being able to function properly in my day to day life.

Life has been interesting lately, and I feel good. I don't feel depressed or upset or anxious about anything (beyond generalized anxiety for no good reason). Things keep going well, and even when things go badly (having to fork over $8000 for a new roof much earlier than expected), things still find a way to work out. Bekki and I are pretty much the best couple of all time, we don't fight, we may argue for funsies, like we both know we're only half serious, but if shit every hit the fan we would always support each other. I've recently been going back through my writing and creating records of what I'm calling Timelines, which is basically a name, and a start date and an end date, so I can keep track of who I was dating, where I was living, where I was working, so when I read entries, I can get as much context as possible. Looking back over that writing, my life has been so terrible at times, I've gone up and down but mostly down. Things are so good now compared to how it's been, and I try ot never forget that.

Oh yeah, and last night we watched Occulus, a horror movie starring Karen Gillan (Amelia from Doctor Who) and it was a great horror movie. Karen was using a fake accent instead of her normal scottish accent (her accent is my favorite part about watching her in something!) but the movie was still well done. It didn't fall into any of the normal traps that most horror movies do. It was creepy, and fun, and scary.

Oh, second yeah, I finished the book Star Wars: Lost Stars and I enjoyed it quite a bit. You could tell a couple things about author through reading it, like for one, the author was a woman, and two, it may have been aimed more towards a young adult audience, and maybe more girls than boys. I only say this because there were quite a few romantic or sexual scenes, and in all those scenes only the male character was described. I had no problem with it at all, I only point it out because it was different than most other books I've read. It did walk the line of young adult romance and Star Wars, and thankfully it didn't go to far. There was a bit less Star Wars than I expected, but it ended up delivering an intersting story with well established characters and help expand the universe a bit. I'd recommend it to anyone that enjoys young adult fiction, science fiction or Star Wars.

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