Excessive

I've had a bit of a rougher day than normal, or so it feels at the moment. I've felt above average anxiety, I've felt weak, I've tripped and fell, metaphorically speaking. I had a pizza for dinner tonight, like one from backdoor pizza, and I didn't think I was going to have one for a long time. I kind of feel like I've failed, but I convinced myself it was a reward for wanting it for so long and being strong enough to hold off. I also spent a bunch of money on materials needed to make my own beef jerky, and I feel kind of like a fool now, and I will do it, and see it through, I'm worried it won't turn out properly and I'm just worried.

Anyway, I'm down here in the comfortable basement after having a warm bath, watching Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol. This is the fourth Mission Impossible I've watched in the last couple weeks, as I had only seen the first one. I'm trying my best to relax, and it's not working entirely all the well.

In late July, I got back from a vacation in Nova Scotia and weighed myself, shocked to see 162lb on the scale. For awhile before that, I was unhappy with how I was looking, and how I felt. I was slowly gaining a belly, and turning into everything I never wanted to become. Out of nowhere, like a switch was just flipped, I decided that Monday at work, to diet. To start tracking every calorie I eat, to plan meals around a very low calorie count.

I went from eating well over my daily required calories (roughly 2200 or so) to only eating 1280 calories per day, plus a huge increase of activity. I use to struggle to get 5000 steps in a day. I needed extra motivation in order to reach that goal, but after I got back, I started walking between 12k and 15k steps per day. I only really ate whole grains, I started eating oat meal for breakfast. I started eating more protein than carbs, consuming a lot of egg whites, ham, protein powder. The first week or two were very tough; I found it extremely frustrating and difficult to plan meals, cook the meals, and enter all the information into my calorie counting app. It slowly got easier though as I started memorizing certain things, and changing my habits (planning meals the night before). 

I started losing weight fast, very fast. I think I lost 10lbs in the first few weeks, and have been losing at least two pounds per week since then. I'm down to 142lb now, and I've also been lifting weights regularly, and have probably gained some muscle weight, so I've probably lost more fat than it seems based on my weight. I feel much better, I generally feel less hopeless and depressed because I always have to walk to make my goals, 

I'm continuing my goal of weight lose until I'm 140, although this week I've slowed the process down by moving my daily goal from 1280 calories to 1770 calories, although I don't always reach that, it gives me a bit more freedom to eat a cookie here, or some banana bread there, and stress less about it.

I'm going to spend the rest of the night trying my best to relax, but I generally don't do very well at that.

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