Excessive

I know that I haven't been writing lately... and it's because I'm caught in a dead zone between being comfortable and relaxed, and depression. I'm not depressed, but I'm so close to being there, that I can't do anything else but just feel numb; if that makes any sense.

Usually when I'm depressed I write more, but since I'm just apathetic at this point, writing doesn't seem like a good idea, and besides, I forget why I write on here anyway.. kinda. I know that I write, so that I have a history of my life... something to show for my years, and that's my highest motivation. Beyond that though, I've lost the will to share with people really. It's not like before.. not like before at all. Now it just feels like I'm talking to myself, and that just makes me not want to write even more.

Whatever issue I had run into with my torrenting, it seems semi-cleared up now. I was downloading individual episodes of Big Love, and nothing was getting higher than 500 bytes a second, and then everything on my list started to suck balls, and it took two days, me yelling various curse words, and deleting every single torrent I had on my list for it to show signs of it not sucking. I re-added a couple things I was downloading (not the Big Love episodes... sadly I'll have to wait for the entire season to be up) and one of the torrents eventually got to looking normal.. 50kb to 100kb/sec down, and 120kb/sec up. So I'm not as freaking out as I was before... because it looks like whatever was happening, fixed itself a bit. Note: almost all the trackers showed as timed out for me, when the same tracker worked for Mark... but now it's fine.. so maybe that's what it was.

Anyway... I just watched the Sixth Sense... but I also took two sleeping pills, so I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna throw on some Jackass (I watched the best of Vol 1 and Vol 2, plus half of season 1 all today) and relax, then fall asleep to random music via front row.

I'll write more soon... I always do.

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