As I shift from one end to the other, I'm always quite confused about a number of things, like why, for three or four days, was I happy. What was it that I did differently? What was it that triggered it (other than chemicals), and is it something that I can consistently recreate. I think when I'm depressed (not to be confused as the reason I get depressed) I lose sight of the bigger picture... it creates a backlash in my life, where I stop my medications because I don't think they're making an immediate change in my life, but when I'm happy (ie. manic) my eyes are much more open and I can see that if I take my meds now, it'll take time but eventually it may cause me to have longer periods of happiness, or at least be calm and maybe relaxed for longer than two or three days. It just cycles over and over again, I take my meds, I become numb and tired as hell for a week or two, feel pretty happy for a day or two, and then suddenly stop my medication and hate life. I think along with the things I've already discussed, money is a pretty big contributor to my moods. When I don't have to borrow money, or my rent is paid off, or my bills aren't bugging me, I feel much more calm and relaxed, which allows me to feel better about myself, and maybe figure a few things out, but now, as with most often, I'm short rent, having to borrow money from family and friends, which makes me feel like my chest is going to cave in. The strangest things bring my mood down and make me want to tear flesh off my body with my finger nails... my room, for the last month, has smelled like a big thing of kitty litter, and I can't figure out why. My room was really messy at one point, and the kitty litter was dirty, and I'm pretty sure Kairi went the bathroom in my room once, but I cleaned that up, and when I cleaned it up, I made my room spotless; I cleaned everything but I still sit at my computer and smell kitty litter. It fucking drives me insane. I'm going to move every piece of furniture in there and mop, and clean the walls and just go nuts, because I need it to smell nice or I'm never going to be fucking happy! I'm glad that that makes no sense, because it makes sense to me and that's all that matters.